Monday, December 29, 2014

The Withdrawal Method

I can't recall whether, back in late 2001, I made any smart-arsed comparisons between the imminent invasion of Afghanistan and the failure of the Soviet Union's occupation of that nation.  It's precisely the kind of dick thing that I would do, so I imagine that I did.

Anyway, I was halfway through writing a line-by-line comparison of the two wars, to mark the purported end of the American occupation of Afghanistan Nato security mission, when I concluded that it'd be quicker and easier simply to list the differences between them rather than the similarities.

The inital stages of both invasions seem to have been quite different, for instance.  The Soviet Union was asked to intervene by an illegitimate government of incompetent local proxies whom it then spent the war propping up, while also repressing resistence by a bunch of poorly-armed militiamen and cave-dwelling terrorists on the thin pretext of ending Afghanistan's civil war.

The US, meanwhile, invaded on the thin pretext of chasing a bunch of poorly-armed militiamen and cave-dwelling terrorists, before installing and propping up a thoroughly legitimate government of incompetent local proxies and making it ask the US to intervene, while also attempting to repress a vicious insurgency. 

Additionally, it's worth noting that the Soviets attempted to impose a half-arsed version of their own communist political system upon Afghanistan, instituting huge economic and social programmes that directly caused many of the Afghan people to rise in open rebellion against the occupation.

The US on the other hand opened up the Afghan economy, assisted in the creation of a half-arsed variation upon Jeffersonian democracy, and helped institute huge economic and social changes that were violently opposed by Afghan murderers and criminals.

The Soviets responded to Afghan resistence with mass incarceration, executions, torture and massive bombing campaigns.  The US responded to terrorist atrocities by arresting thousands of people suspected of involvement in criminal activities and subjecting them to enhanced interrogation, and with surgical airstrikes on suspected extremist strongholds and wedding parties.

Domestically, the Soviets' system of state repression was able to suppress any kind of anti-war opposition of consequence by forbidding a free press and public demonstrations of dissent.  The people of the USSR were only ever told that their government's cause was right and just, and that their enemies were motivated by evil. 

No such oppressive systems were necessary in the free capitalist world, where private and public news sources are permitted to publish such materials as they choose without restraint.  Thus the people of the United States were told that their government's cause was right and just, and the evil motivations of their enemies were detailed by a free press, with the end result that no anti-war opposition of consequence ever emerged. 

In the USSR, military casualties were hushed up.   In the free world, military casualties were given widespread press attention, provided they had owned a cute dog or been married to a hot woman.  The USSR prevented dissent by hiding the war's casualties away in crumbling medical facilities.  The free world put injured soldiers on prime-time television and launched charity drives to help pay for their medical care.

In the end, the USSR ended its needless aggression against Afghanistan after being driven out by people who hated them and everything that they stood for, and were willing to sacrifice scads of their own lives to rid their nation of foreign occupiers.

The US now theoretically withdraws from its vitally important security operation having been prevented from achieving many of its laudible goals by murderers, yet still feeling intense pride at its many achievements.

Like I say, I can't recall whether I ever predicted a repeat of the USSR's Afghan follies but if I ever did, I hereby apologise for my foolishness.


On a side note - I've been playing a bit of the strategy computer game Rome: Total War recently.  Having become Emperor and conquered most of the known world, I sent an army deep into Scythia on a whim - there's nothing worth attacking up there but I did it anyway, for want of anything better to do.  

The Scythians aren't particularly good warriors but my army, far from reinforcement or resupply, was slowly ground down by repeated assaults.  With little hope of achieving anything of note and growing bored with the enterprise, I disbanded the army and turned my computer off. 

I'm not sure why that anecdote sprung to mind in the context of the ISAF occupation of Afghanistan but it did, so here it is.

Saturday, December 13, 2014

The Rat, December 2014

The RatThe Rat.png
Porn Bill to ban depictions of “squiffing, thrasping, ball-snurgling, facial glopping, George-Michaeling, tit enemas, love-trumpeting, turkey-twizzling, rectal truncheons and cock-fisting”, mortified MP announces

Giant mouse.jpgCat secretly despises giant, insolent mouse

New poll: 100% of Ukip voters find stupid racism “volcanically arousing”

Iraq War fans to hold world’s largest Troops-In rally ahead of third sequel’s release

Unbelievable Disgrace

Outrage was mounting last night as The Rat phoned various permanently-whining bellends and asked them to say that they were very angry indeed.

Opposition politicians were quick to denounce, angrily demanding answers.  “This is absolutely unacceptable”, Scottish Conservative leader Ruth Davidson said.  “It beggars belief that this kind of thing can happen in the modern age”.  

The Taxpayers’ Alliance echoed her call, calling the situation “Unbelievably disgraceful” and “Despicably horrifying”.

“After my son was murdered twice by a Romanian homosexual, I have been campaigning relentlessly”, Dad-of-four Angus Twitch said.  “This kind of thing just brings further grief to me and my family”.
CIA defends secret anti-terrorist ass-fucking programme

John Brennan, the director of the CIA, has spoken out in defence of the agency’s post-9/11 ass-fucking programme.

Speaking at CIA headquarters, Brennan insisted that the agency “did a lot of things right” and that the seven-year secret sodomisation scheme “provided useful intelligence”.

Conceding that some CIA officers used “abhorrent” ass-pounding techniques, Brennan continued to argue that it was “unknowable” whether the agency needed to aggressively penetrate the anuses of at least 39 detainees between 2002 and 2007.

“Our reviews indicate that the detention and ass-fucking program helped protect the United States, thwart attack plans, capture terrorists and save lives”, Brennan said.

The Rat says:  We congratulate President Obama for his administration’s impressive work in expanding the number of unjailable Americans.

It’s always been the case that policemen could murder US citizens with absolute impunity from prosecution but before Barack Obama entered the White House, it was inconceivable that anyone could engage in torture, or in multi-billion dollar frauds, without facing the most severe criminal sanctions.

Thanks to President Obama, America is now a land where wealthy and powerful people enjoy absolute freedom to kill and steal without fear of prosecution, while poor and unemployed people will continue to be imprisoned in record-breaking numbers for the most minor of offences.

The Rat says to the President:  Well done, sir.  Truly you are a titan of the progressive cause.
Murphy.jpgMurphy elected Supreme Emperor Dalek of Scottish Labour, vows to exterminate poverty

Cameron.jpgCameron to appease back-benches with “Kill a Migrant Week” policy

Clown.jpgRangers unveil new away strip

Adorable MP still thinks public has “sense of decency & fairness” that can be appealed to

Salmond to run his fucking yap about nothing in London for a change

Alex Salmond has announced that he is to stand for election to Westminster, where he will continue to represent the people of Scotland with his own personal brand of meaningless, vacuous drivel.

The former First Minister,  who led the SNP to victory in two Scottish Parliament elections, said he intended to hold the UK Government to account by continuing to refuse to answer any questions that are put to him and by droning on with thousands of hours of gormless and irrelevant patriotic rah-rah.

“At Westminster, I intend to stick up for Scottish causes and to pursue progressive politics with allies on issues like poverty and international matters, by representing the people of Scotland”, Salmond said.

Asked if there were any issues that he intended to press the new government on, Salmond said: “Scotland needs representatives who will press the new government on the issues that are vitally important to the people of Scotland.

“The SNP is now the largest party in Scotland and I will reflect the concerns of my fellow Scots by reminding this government that Scotland will not stand for policies that harm Scots and the interests of the people of Scotland.  

“Scotland Scotland Scotland”, he added, in his inimitable style.   

Miliband to demand investigation of British collusion in torture over Christmas dinner

Labour leader Ed Miliband has said that he will aggressively pursue full transparency over the UK Government’s involvement in the American torture scandal by asking his brother David about it on Christmas Day.

“The idea that Britain could have been involved in this horrifying torture programme is disgusting and abhorrent”, Miliband said.  “I intend to hold those people who collaborated in these despicable crimes to account, perhaps while I’m spooning some sprouts onto David’s plate, or just after we get started on the port”.