Horror at the Guardian as one of their bloggers notices that players can hump and kill prostitutes in Grand Theft Auto V. It's an oddly specific complaint for a game in which you can also kill, like, five billion coppers with a flamethrower then drive over their lifeless bodies in a truck for no reason at all, but we'll let it slide.
So what, we might say? In Fallout 3 you can blow up a town with a nuclear warhead and wander about a radioactive wasteland enslaving the poverty-stricken, and I've spent hours beseiging cities and executing Gauls in Rome: Total War.
Go on, I used to cackle maniacally, bouncing in my seat and spraying Wotsit-dust in every direction, Nail some respect into those bumptious, computerised Celts, it's the only language they understand. I later discovered that they may also have understood Gaulish.
But who now weeps for the Gauls? Not the Guardian anyway, the dirty hypocrites. Perhaps if I'd had sex with the Gauls before I crucified them, it'd be a different story? The eternal vicissitudes of digital genocide - every execution, a minefield of niceties. O tempora, O mores.
Anyway, our columnist frets - They play at night instead of doing their homework. It's cool to pick up prostitutes. This is how you learn to "be a man"... but I'm not sure that this is true. I mostly play during the day, and I learned how to "be a man" by watching old episodes of Columbo. Nowadays I mostly squint at people over a dinky cigar and mutter about my possibly-fictional wife, before driving off with a Basset hound.
(I don't usually have sex with the Basset hound as a rule, although I admit that if I did, I might consider running him over, to prevent him squealing to the Old Bill. Nobody ever gets on at Columbo for this kind of possibly horrifying theoretical criminality, I notice).
Anyway, back on topic - I disapprove of having it away with video game hookers and then running them over. Down with it, I say! Games players should all agree to just stick to running them over and taking their money without any transactional sex taking place, like our parents did.
True fact - Frogger never once went with any pros, even though he was around in the eighties, when cocaine and high-class call girls were all the rage.
An example to us all, there.