Monday, May 10, 2010

Election Round-Up

Some brief thoughts on the fallout from the General Election...

- I think we can all agree that it is very, very unfair that the Conservatives don't get to take power based solely on the fact that they won more seats than Labour. If only there was some kind of well-structured political system in this country that could provide a stable framework for democratic governance.

- I am loving various internet right-wingers' contention that Scotland comprehensively rejected the Tories because we're too stupid and state-dependent to recognise the justice of their cause, but why stop there? More than 60% of the UK's population voted not-Tory. Imagine the wealth of personality defects these brainless cretins exhibit! Perhaps an extended awareness-raising campaign focussed on denouncing the electorate's base ignorance and venality will push the Tories over the top in the inevitable revote in a few months' time?

- People, you're getting the wrong end of the stick when you accuse the world's Adam Boultons of political bias. Sure, there's an element of the British press that pulls inherently to the right or left, but the defining characteristic of UK journalism is its relentless, leg-humping boner for power.

I mean, check out The toxin in New Labour squats in his bunker or The Sun's Squatter, 59, holed up in Number 10; note the repeated invocation of the "unelected" PM. These aren't mistakes born of bias - these articles were written by well-educated and talented professionals who know full well that Brown is still PM on constitutional grounds, but whose bosses have bet the family silver on Cameron gaining power. Hence, they are sucking up to the Tories like a gaggle of starfucking groupies at a Rolling Stones concert, much as they did to Tony Blair back in the day.

Hell, case in point - think about how the American press treated George W. Bush earlier in the decade. After 9/11, Bush could've strode onstage dressed as Bozo the Clown and farted the Soviet anthem into a microphone, and the press would've fallen overthemselves to call him "statesmanlike" and ask him how his deep religious faith informed his politics.

Fast forward to 2007, and byline after byline started with some variation on "Gabbling like a pissed-up and lobotomised numbnuts with a skull full of clay, a clearly retarded President Bush dropped some unbelievably idiotic bullshit on the nation today..."

I mean, let's be blunt - even in his heyday, Bush wouldn't look statesmanlike if you munched up four sheets of blotter acid and looked at him through a kaleidoscope. What changed? The 2006 mid-term elections handed the gears of power to the Democrats, and from that moment on every hack in Washington queued up to boot the President in the balls again and again.

The situation in Britain is exactly the same, given our craven professional culture of kissing up and kicking down. So sure, the papers have their political affiliations, but the golden rules of the Godawful British workplace apply - everybody laughs at the bosses' jokes and makes fun of the bloke with the body odour problem behind his back.

- Angsty lefties keen to push a "progressive majority coalition", honestly, leave this one alone. The Tories are about to launch the most depraved and vicious series of public spending cuts this country has ever seen, and they're relying on a doddery alliance with a bunch of softly-capitalist, touchy-feely vegetarians to deliver it. This Parliament has "slapstick catastrophe" written on it in neon letters so big they can be seen from space.

I mean, sure, the public accept that spending cuts are needed, but they expect the new government to at least look a little guilty about it. The electorate are not going to respond favourably when the Tories start openly masturbating while slashing their schools' jotter budgets in about three weeks' time.

The Tories, being a bunch of addled Thatcherite closet cases in vaguely convincing "human being" fancy dress costumes, are unlikely to make it to Fireworks Night under these circumstances. I give it two months before the first new MP is caught bumming a sex-trafficked Phillipina maid or shooting panda cubs for sport - you know, stuff people will overlook when the economy is booming, but might dislike if it's tied to hospital closures.

Ah well, either way it'll be good material for satire. God knows the last government were a horrible enough bunch, but we're talking about people who pay attention when Norman Tebbit opens his wizened and twisted trap. Political triumphs are not of such stuff made.

No comments: