Dispatches - Crash Gordon, Channel Four, 8th June
Boy, this is an edifying sight - we could call it the cherry on the cake, if by Cherry we mean Fresh, steaming turd and by Cake we mean Frenzied pack of weasels attacking the twitching corpse of Brownite Labour.
Check this out - Channel Four's Dispatches tonight slings together James Purnell, Nick Cohen, George Osborne, Vince Cable, Hazel Blears, representatives for Lehman Brothers, Irwin Steltzer and a great, hoaching gaggle of compromised politicos, up-to-their-eyeballs bankers, tame journalists and pundits for a barely-disguised political hatchet job on a deserving PM.
I'm watching the Blairites and their media creatures, plus the Tories, the Lib Dems, spokesmen for international finance... All of them knifing Gordon Brown like randy little rippers, and all of them united in the single purpose of strapping every political crisis of the last year - the credit crunch, the nasty email scandal and the MPs expenses outrage, amongst others - to Gordon Brown personally, then burying them all six feet under with him and what remains of his faction.
All of this was clearly intended to be a joyous, fourteen-way gangbang at the funeral of a just-resigned Prime Minister. It was to be one last orgiastic bash to bury not only Brown himself, but the complicity of Britain's entire ruling class in their various self-inflicted catastrophes.
Only one problem - when the participants arrived oiled up, erect and ready to rut, there was the undead Prime Minister, sitting upright in his coffin shooting them his best glum glower.
Now, that's what I call a passion-killer.
Obviously, the plan was that the Blairites would publicly trash the PM before the European elections, thus tanking their ailing campaign and hopefully igniting a popular uprising in the party and the press.
That's the classic Al Qaeda plan, for the militarily inclined among you - mount a massive suicide attack so spectacular that it exposes the enemy's innate weakness, in the hope that the populace will rise in revolution. Thus, we've seen the Purnells and the Blears strapping dynamite to their bodies and hurling themselves howling at Number 10 in a co-ordinated assault designed to frag their own party's already doomed electoral campaign, and the PM with it.
Well, we saw how that plan worked for the Al Qaeda leadership, most of whom are either in hiding, in prison or in the ground. I guess the Blairite insurgency will find better digs than a cave in Waziristan or a cold cell in Guantanamo Bay for now, before crushing defeat at the next election inspires them to slink off into the private sector, leaving only bomb craters and smoking ruins behind them.
All of this is pretty obvious stuff for those who care to look, but I can't shake that Dispatches programme. It's some confident conspirators that lay their schemes out in the open, yet here it is, plain for all to see.
The Blairites get to live out their miraculous redemption fantasy; The Tories get to claim the scalp of a Labour PM. As for everyone else, well, who knows? I imagine the banks would appreciate a newer, more forgetful leader, what with all those nasty debts, and the journos have a decade's worth of festering grudges to expunge. Christ, Nick Cohen alone must have a Dick Nixon-style shit-list longer than his own small intenstine.
This isn't repellent because it's a supposedly left wing PM that's the target - fuck Gordon Brown. His crime in my eyes is getting involved with this shower of deceitful turds in the first place, and he's been up to his nuts in every scam and scandal of the New Labour years. He wanted the premiership so badly he was prepared to do anything to get it, and now he is getting it, good and hard.
But let's not dance around what we've seen with last week's press circle jerk and shows like tonight's Dispatches. It's a naked attempt by a massive chunk of the nation's ruling class to pin all the faults of the country they created - the fucked financial system, the sleaze-ridden politics, the empty PR machine that is New Labour - on Brown, leaving the rest of them to get on with business as usual.
That would suit them just fine, and much of the electorate too. After all, we've just watched the entire continent mount protest votes against the system that tanked the world's economy into the toilet by voting for that same system's most furious proponents. So it's always gone in politics - even George W. Bush found out that red or blue mean less than nothing if the wrong people stop making enough green.
Back in Britain, Brown's sitting tight for the moment and may even make it through the next year intact. Me, I don't much care which butt-ugly face Labour plasters on its posters for the next election.
I'm just interested to see how, should these futhermuckers finally succeed in putting Brown in the ground, they manage to dress it up as a triumph for democracy and accountability.