Sunday, February 08, 2009

On The Legitimisation Of The Dickhead


It's one of the most obvious trends of recent years, yet it goes largely unremarked. It's everywhere around us, but seldom is it addressed. It has spawned a multi-million pound industry, cranking out its product to a vast audience representing every class, race, religion, gender and nationality, and yet its most loyal adherents remain unaware that they are its victims.

Surely, the time has come to ask the question - when did the dickhead become legitimate?

I address the subject at a most critical time, for the boom in broadband internet use has not merely legitimised the dickhead. It has, in fact, transformed the dickhead into a figure worthy of respect, admiration and even emulation.

History is replete with dickheads, but never before have they swarmed in such great abundance, nor have they ever been known to wank on with such pride and self-righteous anger.

Everywhere the dickheads - and their close relatives the arseholes, the pricks, the wankers and the tossers - teem. There are lying dickheads; evil pricks; mendacious, bullshitting fuckheads; whining twats and horrible, horrible cocks. The impulse to prickery seduces the young and the old alike; it ensnares men and women, Brits, Americans and Aussies.

Truly, Man is born good-natured, but everywhere he is in floods of self-pitying tears.

Lest you imagine that I am conjuring some illusory horde of anus-brained, flatulent, blarting bell-ends from my imagination, allow me to define the devices of dickheadery.

1) Everyone Is Against The Dickhead

The average person suffers life's slings and arrows with stoic determination. While he may occasionally succumb to brief bouts of prickishness, the average man recognises his trials and tribulations as merely part of life's rich tapestry, to be borne with grace and good humour.

For the true dickhead, every slight and setback is yet more evidence of the malign conspiracy of ignoble interests ranged against him. While the villains of the piece may change, being now a sinister nexus of socialist/environmentalist crooks and then a chattering gaggle of insidous liberals, the dickhead sees their malign hand in every ill that besets him.

Like a Nicaraguan Catholic overawed by a tree-stump said to show the face of Jesus, the dickhead can detect the traces of his persecution in political policies and puddles alike. It is the dickhead's unshakeable faith in the treachery of his enemies that sustains him through the ordeal that is his daily reality, and his misfortunes are merely fuel for the fires of his fucknuttery.

2) The Dickhead Is An Unrecognised Genius In a World Of Fools

The dickhead knows himself to be a man of great wisdom, beset by a confederacy of trendy, po-mo dunces. His penetrating and incisive insight is the product of his boundless Common Sense - an innate, earthy understanding of things that allows the dickhead to see through the
psychobabble of his foes and recognise that yes, we should indeed send them all back where they came from.

The true dickhead knows neither doubt nor fear, and is never happier than in the heat of battle, parrying his opponents' feeble appeals to "the facts" with lightning-fast ripostes and put-downs. The dickhead will not be dissuaded or deflected, for the dickhead's faith in his own infallibility is indestructable.

3) The Dickhead Is Very, Very Angry

The true dickhead is never calm. Not for him the modern fads for chilling out or not acting like a total fucking wanker - the dickhead knows that he is in the right, and his certainty is the spur towards bouts of spleen-bursting, vein-throbbing rage.

Again, the issue is irrelevant - whether the topic is the licence fee, the laws of the highway or the homosexuals, the infuriated dickhead will be found begnawing the bone of contention with a deranged ferocity.


Many readers will recognise the picture of mind-mangled dickheadery that I have painted. In all likelihood, you will know many dickheads, or indeed you may be a dickhead yourself. None of this solves the most pressing question, however - what is to be done about all the dickheads?

If I may be so bold as to offer a suggestion, I have found that the dickhead is much like the vampire of legend - expose him to the sunlight of his own fucktardery, and he will wither and die...

And this is the key to defeating the dickheads - even the most arse-headed, belligerent shit-for-brains is completely unaware of his own dickheadery. Recall, the dickhead believes himself to be a noble figure, rather than the cock-brained jizz-trumpet he actually is.

Expose him to the reality of his own mong-mental bastardry, and the scales shall drop from his eyes. From that moment on, there is hope for even the most hardened harridan or wingnut wankmaster.

And for those who refuse to face up to the reality of their own unbearable, bleating bawbaggery?

For them, there is only a lifetime of stupidity, pettiness and impotent apoplexy. That is their crime and, fittingly, it is also their punishment.

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