Tuesday, February 10, 2009


Dsquared has been playing with a few ideas for TV programmes he'd like to see, but if you ask me he's got the wrong idea - being the hopeless sucker for Americana that I am, I can assure him that the way to go is to ask the Americans to make programmes for us.

Think about the decades of great British dramas and sitcoms we have, then imagine the wizardry the Americans could work upon them!

For instance -

Some Motherfuckers Do 'Ave 'Em

Light-hearted sitcom set in South-Central L.A. about a bumbling, accident-prone crack dealer and his comedy attempts to become a playa. Classic scenes to include an out-of-control, downhill rollerskate-by shooting. Starring Snoop Dogg as Frank "Tha F-Dogg" Spencer and Rhianna as "Betty".

University, Like, Challenge And Shit (or Whatever)

MTV quiz show in which a panel of extremely excitable frat-house cretins answer questions on quantum mechanics, the works of Chaucer and Venetian history while downing as many beers as they can. On a mechanical rodeo horse. While the audience shout Chug! Chug! Chug! Featuring a depressed Jeremy Paxman.

Oz Porridge

Prison-set sitcom in which Norman Stanley Fletcher (Ricky Martin) is subjected to constant sexual assaults, beatings and vicious stabbings with improvised weapons as he gradually comes to learn that those who break the law have forfeited their right to a life without PAIN.


Long-running real-time documentary following the lives of 14 children as they try to deal with the trials of growing up while being repeatedly electrocuted, half-drowned and tortured by the actor Kiefer Sutherland. Who will break and reveal the location of the bomb first?

It Ain't Half Hot, Motherfuckers

Generation Kill-style sitcom about a troupe of U.S. Marine Corps entertainers, set in a F.O.B. in Baghdad. Will Lofty Sugden be able to perform in tonight's show after losing a leg to an I.E.D. planted by some scumbag fucking Hajji?

Have I Got Extreme Police Brutality For You

Comedy panel show in which a group of comedians and political personalities answer questions on this week's "rogue bad apple officers". Sample question - "Hey, how was the officer supposed to know the suspect wasn't going to sprout a third arm and pull a pistol out of his own neck?"

Only Crazy Fools And Horses

Mr. T. stars as "Del Boy" Trotter, a down-on-his-luck wheeler-dealer who drives a monster truck, ain't gettin' on no plane and pities his fool brother Rodney (David Schwimmer). Featuring the jibber-jabber of Trigger (George Clooney).

Cathy Cum Home

XXXtreme, no-holes-barred kitchen sink drama. R-rated.

Other sample ideas - Quatermass For The Straight Guy; The Heroes of Telemarketing; This Life Sucks; The Nazis - An Ass-Whooping From History (previously made as 'Valkyrie', with Tom Cruise).

People, this could be my meal ticket for life...

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