Let's Not Get Bogged Down Arguing About Who Committed War Crimes Against Who
By Ehud Olmert, Prime Minister of Israel
In the fog of war, it can be difficult to keep a sense of proportion. Unless one keeps a cool head, it is all too easy to react impulsively to flawed information; to misread the situation on the ground or to bomb one's third United Nations installation in two years while giving the finger to anyone who objects.
At a confusing time such as this it is important to be measured and rational, and to not get bogged down in arguments about who committed war crimes against who.
Our nation faces a grave and gathering threat from a number of powerful and aggressive enemies and it is for this reason that, with one eye on the upcoming election, I have ordered our military forces to mount a series of heroic attacks upon the one least able to defend itself.
Even now, the sons and daughters of Israel are showing Hamas that there is no hiding place from justice, and showing everyone else in Gaza that there is no hiding place anywhere within fifty feet of justice either. The Palestinians will learn that terrorism is futile and counterproductive, and also that trying to fire a home-made rocket launcher when you don't have any arms is even more futile and counterproductive.
For make no mistake, Hamas have made their intentions clear, and they intend to murder every citizen of the state of Israel. My fellow cabinet members and I are, of course, aware that they might as well threaten to paint every house in Tel Aviv purple and pink with a fourteen-mile-long paintbrush, but it's the thought that counts, isn't it?
I say to you, let us not spend a moment longer concerning ourselves with unrealistic talk of "proportionality". For what is this "proportionality", but a strict legal requirement that states refrain from deliberately bombarding heavily populated urban areas and inflicting massive civilian casualties with no clear military objective? People who would speak of such niceties in times of war do not live with the daily threat of losing an election or an having an incoming pinko American President withdraw their massive military aid budget.
In summary, many of you will have heard the criticism that other nations have heaped upon our small, yet heavily-armed and extremely belligerent nation. Thus has it been throughout the history of Israel that, no sooner have we cracked open a can of hi-tech whoop-ass on people who can't shoot back, such mealy-mouthed quibbles have inevitably arisen.
I urge all of my fellow citizens to close their ears to their lies, their propaganda and their probably-not-entirely-disingenuous accusations of atrocities and war crimes. I am sure that I need not remind any of you of the many war crimes and atrocities that our enemies have committed against us, nor the horrors that they would inflict given the mere opportunity.
It is with that in mind that I say to you that, by strict Nuremburg principles, my colleagues and I would probably soon be seeing the inside of a prison cell at least, and that the leaders of our enemies would most certainly be incarcerated alongside us... Nonetheless, we are still entitled to bomb whoever we like, whenever we like, and anyone who disagrees can suck my fat one, especially that porky little tosser Ban Ki-Moon.
Thank you for your time.