Monday, December 15, 2008

Your Meritocracy In Action

A Short Guide To The Bullshit-Based Economy

International finance - A bullshit money-based notional market in which Financiers and Banks compete and/or co-operate with each other to see who can die with the most Toys.

Financier -
A person who handles large amounts of bullshit money, usually involving large transfers into untraceable accounts in Bermuda. A highly-trained professional who makes investments for which he or she is yet to be arrested.

Bank - A Financial Institution which handles large amounts of bullshit money before begging the Taxpayer for a Bailout.

Investor - A person giving actual money to a Financier in the hope of a reasonable return, often from the taxpayer. The Sucker; the Mark.

The Taxpayer - You
; the Patsy.

Money Heaven
Afterlife for bullshit money, from which there is no return.

Credit Default Swap -
Financial contract in which one party takes actual money from another in exchange for a promise to return a larger sum on the occurance of Event (x), before transferring the actual money into an untraceable account in Bermuda and begging the Taxpayer for financial aid.

Innovation - Ingenious method by which a Financier turns actual money into bullshit money, and uses it to buy Toys.

Financial Scandal - What happens when a Financier gets a little bit too Innovative and is caught in possession of a few more Toys than society deems tasteful.

Bailout - Event in which Banks rob the Taxpayer's Children at gunpoint, then offer to lend the same money back to their parents at very reasonable rates.

Recession -
Financial downturn in which you lose your job and the Financiers and Bankers promise to cut down on Fraud for a while.

Meritocracy - Social system by which the brightest and best are promoted to the highest positions, from where they are able to magically generate vast sums of bullshit money with which to buy toys, before begging the Taxpayer for a Bailout and being arrested.

Regulation - Governmental mechanisms designed to ensure that the Financiers and Bankers can transfer the maximum amounts into undetectable bank accounts in Bermuda.

Democracy -
Political system in which the Taxpayer decides which party should be in charge of Regulation.

That will be £499.99, please - all credit cards accepted.

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