Monday, November 03, 2008

What Happens When The Author Has 10 Minutes To Post And No Time To Edit

Sitting down at the internet cafe tonight, and still offline at the house for reasons more embarrassingly stupid than I care to list. It really couldn't have come at a worse time than slap-bang in the middle of the American election, which has careered wildly off the path of mild amusement and crashed into an insane asylum of hooting lunacy, leaving the streets filled with dazed, drooling wingnuts.

From what I can pick up off FOX News and CNN, the internet's a veritable shitstorm of rancid crazy, and here I am, reading mere books in my spare time! Proper ones, with no pictures!

There's no justice.

Still, being offline has given me a different perspective, i.e. the watch the news or read a paper one that people who aren't politics geeks have, and here's what I'm picking up...

Barack Obama is totally a socialist, and he wants to give rich people's money to poor people. The honest, hardworking poor people don't want rich people's money, because that's un-American, and Americans hate money, especially other people's money that's free.

I know that because the woman on FOX News said she'd read 1984 twice, and she can smell the echoes of fascism and communism. It's not clear in what way a fascist echo smells differently to a communist echo, but the reek of totalitarianism is tangible. Hence, an Obama victory means a future in which unlaced white, special edition Run DMC Reebok trainer stamps on a human face forever, except when the trainer takes time out from stamping on the face to pick America's pocket, and then it's back to the stamping.

Mind, Bill O'Reilly announced that Obama can't be a communist, because he buys things. You can always spot a commie, because he isn't interested in drugs or beer or rent boys like the rest of us - oh no. Your average commie would rather sit reading Camus in a cafeteria while stroking his beard, and you'd better believe that the Camus, the cafeteria and the beard will all have been stolen from the sweat of the working man's brow.

Also, John McCain was a Prisoner of War (note the capitals, peeps) and a long spell in a bamboo cage seems to have left him with too much skin on his neck, a cadaverous grin and a tendency to hug bald plumbers. Not that he got up to anything gay or anything in the camp, because he favours family values, but he could've done, having been a strapping lad who's up for action at the drop of a hat.

Not only that, but Barack Obama stands for Hope and Change, and he proves it every day by setting his jaw and staring determinedly into the middle distance. You might think he's gazing into an unknown future with solemn determination, but I can tell you what he sees there - he sees a photographer, and a load of egghead, elitist journalists shouting Ack-Ack-Ack! like the aliens in Mars Attacks! - but those journalists are symbolic, not literal.

They're saying that America is about to turn a corner, and that there's light at the end of the tunnel which is just round the corner, and that light at the end of the tunnel which is just round the corner is symbolic too - it symbolises a new dawn for America, or at least a good chance that the President can use the word Negotiation without being called a queer on national television.

Also, Sarah Palin is dangerously insane.

Right, that's your lot - I'm out of credit. Back as soon as possible.

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