Tuesday, October 14, 2008

So Many, And So Few Lamp Posts

Forgot to mention this at the time, but third-choice AC Milan goalkeeper Christian Abbiati has declared that he's proud to be a fascist.

"I am not ashamed to proclaim my political beliefs," (the bench-bound stopper told Sportsweek magazine recently) "I agree with some aspects of fascism like patriotism and the values of the Catholic religion... I like the capacity Fascism had to secure law and order. It guaranteed security for the people."

Thankfully, he's less keen on the race laws, which is nice of him.

Naturally, I just made the common sense assumption that Abbiati is merely expressing his discontent with the left wing, liberal elitists who govern Italy and that he's been driven into the arms of the far right by multicultural policies favouring immigrants over him and his family.

But something's been bugging me about that commonly-accepted concept for ages, and no sooner had I read this article than, like a thunderbolt, it struck me - Christian Abbiati isn't victimised - he's a multi-millionaire living like a rock star in a country led by a right wing, immigrant-baiting wingnut fruitcake!

That realisation left me with only one possible conclusion - if he's not being oppressed and disenfranchised by multi-culti, PC leftists, he must have turned to fascism because he's a pig-ignorant fucking moron.

Now, don't all jump down my throat at once here. I hate those damned liberal elitists just as much as the rest of you do, but this forces us to entertain some unfamiliar ideas. What if - and I'm playing Devil's advocate here, mind - what if it's not just millionaire footballers?

What if support for the far right by ordinary people all over Europe owes less to tyrannical multiculturalism than it does to their cretinous desire to blame all of their personal problems on blacks, PC do-gooders, gays, Poles, criminal-loving lawyers, gypsies and Muslims, to name but a few?

I mean, the implications here are vast, almost beyond my comprehension. It would mean that, rather than being reasonable, decent people driven to desperate measures by forces beyond their control, voters for far right parties would actually be just, well, angry, racist retards.

I know, I know, I can hear you telling me that it's not polite to call people angry, but it's the only explanation that makes sense... And that's not all.

Allow me to extend this hypothesis, if you will. No mainstream party is about to stand on a policy of, say, sending 'em all back where they came from, and so can never compete with the far right for meanness or hatemongering. Hence, they're not going to attract voters whose main priority is sending 'em all back.

This implies that, rather than trying to pander to such voters with crap legislation, British governments should instead invite anyone who threatens to vote for Angry Dickheads For Repatriation to fuck off and vote for them, then, and not come crawling back when when the bull-necked dimwits you vote in discover that running a local authority is a bit more complicated than shoving shit through a Pakistani shopkeeper's letterbox.

I mean, let's be honest - when we're talking about far right politicians, we're talking about people too stupid to drive cars without smashing them into walls and pulverising themselves into mean-spirited goo.

Now, I know what many readers will be saying... Rodent, you've taken this too far, you've gone out on a limb and soared off into La-La Land. Ignorant, angry, moronic, racist, lazy-minded, shite-for-brains retards indeed!

Me, I reckon I'm onto something here. After all, I hear a lot of woofing and yammering about I'll be voting for the British Union of Slack-Jawed, Violent Trolls at the next election, and get the impression that I'm supposed to be horrified and outraged. Quite the opposite, in fact - I say, be my guest, dumbass.

This is a democracy, after all, voter. If you know what you want, then truly you deserve to get it good and hard.

Monday, October 13, 2008

Krugman Wins Nobel Prize For Economics

Vows to Slam "Ultimate Smackdown" On Rivals, Unify Intellectual Heavyweight Belts

Undefeated Macroeconomic Bruiser Develops Simple, Layman's-Terms Model For Growth Prediction in East Asian Markets And Kicking Your Goddamn Ass-Bone Up Your No-Good Windpipe

Krugman - "I will eat your children and garrotte your pets"

BBC News, 13th October 2008

Thursday, October 09, 2008


What a depressing couple of weeks it's been - financial carnage everywhere, as young and old alike watch dumbstruck in the red glow of their burning finances.

Seriously, I'm sitting on the windowledge while I type this.

Yet today brings us an honest-to-God miracle in the shape of Karl Merk, the German double amputee who has been the first subject of a successful double arm transplant.

In such times, it's wonderful and uplifting to see this inspiring tale of triumph over adversity and the ingenuity of man. I can scarcely imagine what it must be like for Mr. Merk, who has lived without arms for six years. Basic actions that we perform unconciously and take for granted such as turning on a light switch, boiling a kettle or having a quick one off the wrist must've been impossible, insurmountable challenges for him.

I mean, think about it - he must have bollocks like baseballs after six years without arms.

What a testament to man's triumph over the limitations of mere nature. I'm in awe of this act of defiance in the face of our precarious inheritance... this proclaimation that we will not be defeated by simple misfortune or denied the chance to make the beast with one back every now and then.

That's not to say that this wondrous procedure does not raise serious moral questions. There are ethical issues around the use of donated organs and human dignity, not least the fact that Mr. Merk is probably engaged at this very moment in a menage a une using another man's wank-spanner, which sounds a bit gay if you ask me.

In fact, I imagine that knocking one out with a dead man's hand might feel a bit like someone else was doing it, although this could be easily circumvented if Mr. Merk sat on his new hand for a bit, until it went numb - then it would probably feel like somebody else was doing it with another dead man's hand.

Unless of course, he sat on his meat and two veg at the same time, in which case it would feel like somebody else was whacking off somebody else with somebody else's dead man's hand, or something.

Either way, the implications for medical science and hand-to-gland combat are almost limitless. This is a great day in human history, friends.