Saturday, September 27, 2008

You're Like a German Parakeet

(Note - this report just in from our Alternative Universe correspondent, who covers a world infinitely more sane and just than this.)

Candidates Villify "War Criminal" Kissinger, Call For His Arrest And Trial
Alternative Reality News, 28th September 2008

Both presidential candidates sought to distance themselves from any association with former Secretary of State Dr. Henry Kissinger during Friday's presidential debate, furiously condemning his involvement in illegal bombing campaigns, his role in deposing democratically elected leaders and complicity in mass murder and ethnic cleansing during the '60s and '70s.

"I'm aware that Dr. Kissinger has commented on American foreign policy," Senator Obama said, "But the fact remains that he is a wanted war criminal and a fugitive from justice, and I wish our law enforcement agencies the best of luck in bringing this despicable man to trial."

Senator McCain, however, criticised Obama for being too lenient on Kissinger. "Speaking as a former POW who was captured while bombing North Vietnam, I am disgusted that Senator Obama has not called for Dr. Kissinger's immediate execution... Not a day goes by in which I don't regret my involvement in the massive aerial bombardment of that country, nor the role I played in a war that killed over two million Vietnamese, most of them civilians. Dr. Kissinger should be hunted down like a dog and executed like a pig for what he did to Vietnam, Cambodia and Laos during his tenure."

Shouting to be heard over the cheering studio audience, Senator Obama endorsed Senator McCain's statement and vowed that, should he be elected president, the capture, trial and televised execution of all American war criminals would be a top priority.

Not to be outdone, Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin pledged to personally track Dr. Kissinger down with her helicopter and rifle, and to "Dispatch him to the very bowels of Hell, where scum like him belongs... He should be crucified upside down for what he did to Chile and Indonesia."

It's a move that has proved popular with the electorate and the press, as the hunt for the rogue foreign policy expert and butcher of the innocent continued. The media has been almost unanimous in its praise for the candidates' tough stance on ensuring prosecutions for all war crimes, regardless of their perpetrators' nationality or the administrations they served.

"What kind of a nation would we be if we allowed a monster like Dr. Kissinger to breathe free air for the rest of his days?" One Republican insider asked this reporter. "The very thought that Dr. Kissinger might be involved in politics even today turns my stomach... If politicians in 2008 were still taking advice from men like him, we might as well just demolish the White House, hand the new president a battle-axe and place him atop a hundred-foot-high pile of children's skulls."

The debates will continue on Thursday, when both candidates are expected to call for the trial and incarceration of hundreds of Wall Street bankers for crimes against humanity.

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