Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Fly With Me, Lesbian Seagull

Damn it, I know that whichever colour from the political spectrum you paint yourself, you're certain to wind up standing next to some terrible wankers, but I really, really wish that lefty types would spend less time bleating at Ben Stiller about this kind of stuff and more time doing things like this.

It's not too much to ask, is it?

Further Brooding Upon The Nature Of God

Apologies for continuing to bang on about religion, but it's been much on my mind of late. While I was checking out the response to Julie Burchill's I-Like-God-But-Poo-Bum-Willy article the other day,* one piece I came across complained that God is always portrayed as being male.

Well, I thought, No wonder. I may not believe in God myself, but I'm damn well sure that the God I don't believe in has a metaphysically enormous pair of intergalactic clackers and a whacking great dobber He could crush suns with, if He was in the mood.

Get people going on the subject of God's gender and it never takes more than five minutes for somebody to point out that He appeared to Moses in the form of a burning bush or some such like. It's clearly unintended symbolism - if He'd meant His form to be a coded message on His sex, he'd obviously have appeared before Moses in a dressing gown and "accidentally" let it slip open.

Hey, Moses was a man of the world, all those whores and sinners. He'd have done what any of us would do and look at the sky, whistling awkardly and saying Uh, LORD, you might want to do something about that.

I mean, do you remember that in the Bible? I don't, and I just checked.

Well, I don't believe in Him anyway, but I think it's ridiculous we're still having this type of conversation. Obviously God's a bloke, and I think He should prove it by gently pushing one of His knackers through the Earth's atmosphere over, say, North America.

Let the faithful gaze upon the Lord's furry great Jupiter-sized bollock suspended pendulously over New York City, and then let's hear somebody try and say that He's a woman.

Honestly, bloody feminists. They don't half come out with some nonsense, do they?

*n.b. I'd characterise the response to Burchill's schtick these days, metaphorically speaking, as a copy of her new hardback hitting the back of her head while several thousand voices shout and take your bloody book with you, we don't have any use for it.

In The Tyrannical Autocracy Of The Rodent

When I sieze power in a horrifically violent military coup, my first edict will call for the immediate rounding up of all who have ever used the phrase political correctness without, in fact, having the slightest understanding of what it means beyond stuff what I don't like.

They will then be taken to a public place and kicked up the arse to death.

The second will be a series of Draconian restrictions on anyone who has ever used the phrase so-called experts; all of them will be forced to seek medical advice only from witch doctors, financial advice from the first bloke standing at the bar in their local and I.T. support from my mate John, whose approach to hardware maintenance resembles a gorilla's aggression-display-to-attack pattern.

All of this is because I am a depraved, totalitarian sociofascist whose sole, maniacal obssession is the control of your thoughts by banning decent, hard-working people from exercising the right to free speech.

What, does that upset you? Tell it to the language Commissars, maggots! They are the law!

Friday, August 15, 2008

Shorter Julie Burchill

"If you thought I was an annoying, self-important sack of unfocussed bile, resentful snarls and petulant non-sequiturs before I found God, you ain't seen nothing yet."


"Now that Jesus has filled my heart with love, you are a bunch of fucking wankers."


Update! - David Duff shows up in comments to applaud some of Julie's wackier sentiments, namely...

a) Since some religious loonies want to kill Aayan Hirsi Ali, it is wanky and self-indulgent not to believe in God and

b) Since religious Christians are a minority in Britain, to adopt Christian beliefs is to strike a blow against the Smug Liberals Who Rule The Universe.

I don't think either needs refuting, since both are patent arse. I find it pretty remarkable that a major nespaper is willing to pay for this puerile, teenage pish - perhaps there's a job for me there after all.

I'll just note that this is the last forty years of conservative thinking in a nutshell - take some obvious statement like, say, women should be free to decide whether they want careers or children, or even both, then pretend that the SLWRTU are maniacally opposed to stay-at-home-mums... Before you know it, there are MPs and senators on television saying that stay-at-home-mums are fighting back against Femi-Nazi tyranny by staying-at-home.

As an intellectual movement, well, it's more of a bowel movement - pick any social issue, ascribe the most extreme position possible to your political enemies, then go red in the face and shout about it. It's a bit depressing that so many people fall for this obvious pile of horseshit.

Honestly, I've got a hilarious post sitting right here ready to go, all about how Republican Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger actually is a titanium Terminator.

I'd post it, but I don't think I'll be able to face it when David Duff shows up shouting No, LIBERALS are the REAL genocidal cyborg killing machines from the future.
Free Market Mysteriously Fails To Impede Horrible Asshole's Career
Financial Times, 15th August 2008

In a development that has led to consternation throughout the business world, the invisible hand of the free market has failed to pluck insurance sales manager Stevie Bermingham from his plush corner office and cast him into the pit of poverty, despair and violence he so richly deserves.

Co-workers have expressed astonishment that the tactless, incompetent, horrible asshole has managed to rise to his current position, despite his glaringly obvious flaws.

"If anything, Stevie actively impairs the department's productivity," said one colleague, who wished to remain anonymous. "All he ever seems to do is call pointless meetings, wander about the office shooting us with twin pistol-fingers and invent annoying tasks and pedantic processes for us to grind through."

"According to what I was taught, business should automatically weed out imbiciles and morons for demotion to jizz-mopping, but Stevie just goes from strength to strength... It makes me sick. Every Sunday I sit with my head in my hands moaning incoherently at the prospect of another working week."

Other colleagues pointed to his handling of a recent staffing crisis as evidence of his shocking ineptitude.

"Three days before our deadline he decided for no good reason that we needed to go back through the last four weeks' sales and draft TPS reports for each one," one man in his thirties said while chewing his nails to the knuckle. "It meant twenty hours of overtime for each of us, and when somebody told him the reports weren't useful, Stevie just told him that there's no I in Team then went home for the weekend..."

"Orthodox rules of self-interest should mean that the company would set such horrible assholes to work licking the toilets clean, but they just gave him stock options... God, I just want it all to end."

At the time of going to press, the firm's management had just announced redundancies in response to the credit crunch, and expressed great faith in Bermingham's ability to maintain spirits.

"In times like this, we need men with Stevie's talents," said MD Mick Paterson, before shooting this reporter with twin finger-pistols. "If there's one thing that knows about, it's incentivisation."

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Once Tiberius Is Dead, I, Sejanus, Shall Rule As Emperor Of Rome
By Lucius Aelius Sejanus, Prefect of the Praetorian Guard, AD31

At last, after these long years of sweat and blood and toil, my grip tightens around the neck of the house of Caesar, and absolute power shall soon be mine!

I have built my forces from nothing. I have crushed my enemies beneath my heel without mercy and given no quarter to friend or foe... Julian and Claudian alike have opposed me and all have perished.

Even now, my cohort prepares to depart, eager to deliver the blade's sweet kiss to the wizened neck of the crone, Livia. My assassins gather in the shadows of the house of Tiberius on Capri, awaiting only my order to strike and deliver the blow, swift and terrible, that will end his foul, debauched life.

It is so close now... I can almost feel the purple about my shoulders. Soon, soon, the moment will come when the civilised world acclaims my supremacy. The rods and the axes of Roman authority shall be given unto me and all shall bow down at the feet of Sejanus!

In that perfect instant when I openly declare my rule, the Gods themselves shall tremble to behold the might of Sejanus, Imperator of Rome, for they shall perceive their end in the ascension of a new God.

Decimus, my most faithful lieutenant - go now from this place and slay the crone Livia. I shall not suffer her to live a moment longer...

Only she and her depraved son stand between me and total victory... Go, Decimus, and confirm me as a living God-Emperor, master of the world!

All shall look upon Emperor Sejanus and submit to his will!

Heh Heh, Heh Heh, Heh Heh, You Said "Anus"
by Decimus Cretinus Beavus, Centurion, Praetorian Guard

Heh heh, heh heh, heh heh... Dude, you said "Anus".

Yeah, yeah, you were all like "Woah, I shall rule" and then you were like, "All shall, like, kiss my sweet anus".

Heh heh, heh heh... "Anus". Dude, stay away from my anus with your, like, purple rod of power. Heh heh, heh heh...

Okay, like, you want us to kill the old lady then? Cool, that's so cool! I'll be all like, aaarrggh! Stab stab! Stab stab! Die, bitch, die! Aaarggh!

Heh heh, heh heh...

Like, don't get all freaked out, Anus dude. We'll kill her good. Stab stab!

Heh heh, heh heh... This is totally going to work, O Mr. supreme Anus, sir. Everyone will be all like, dude - I want to behold your mighty, trembling weapon, sire.

They'll totally be like, we perceive your end. Stab stab!

Monday, August 11, 2008

Russian Mentalist Mortal Kombat

Hooray, Gene from Harry's Place has challenged Lenin from Lenin's Tombola to a game of Russian Mentalist Mortal Kombat!

Gene's plumped for Alexander Solzhenitzyn, which seems like a weird choice - all those years in a prison camp might make you a tenacious survivor, but hardly title-fight material. Perhaps Gene's banking that the competition will be judged on the contenders' ability to smuggle the largest quantity of tradeable goods up their bottoms or something.

Lenin's yet to respond, and I wouldn't like to hazard a guess as to which famous Russian he's going to go for. There's a possibility it might be Trotsky or Stalin, and either would be a reasonable bet in a ruckus. Trotsky may have been a commander rather than a frontovik, but I bet he picked up a few moves, while Stalin just looks like the kind of dirty little bugger that would get you round the neck and try to pull your ear off until it really hurt.

I don't think they've been creative enough here though. Gulags, Bolsheviks, it's all a bit obvious, isn't it? I can think of lots of Russians who would kick ass harder than these moustachioed coffeeshop cases.

Double-Hard Russians

#1. Ivan Drago

Pros: Steroid-crazed man-mountain

Cons: Fictional character

An 18 1/2 stone glacier of murder, Ivan Drago would wipe the floor with Solzhenytsin and probably give Nikolai Gogol a run for his money. Okay, he might have inexplicably lost to that pushy Italian bloke that looks like an aggro chunk of Kentucky Fried Chicken, but he kicked Apollo Creed's ass goodstyle.

#2. Grigori Yefimovich Rasputin

Pros: Russia's Greatest Love-Machine

Cons: There was a cat that really was gone

Rah-Rah-Rasputin could preach the bible like a preacher, full of ecstacy and fire but he also was the kind of teacher that women would desire... Such a double-hard bastard, his assassins had to apply for annual leave a couple of weeks into murdering him.

#3. Vladimir Putin

Pros: Psychotic KGB android

Cons: A bit busy just now; Thinking of quitting to pursue solo bombing career

Remorseless, ice-hearted spook who clawed his way to power through the sewer of the Russian oligarchy, before embarking on blood-curdling orgies of violence in former Soviet states. One wonders what the small talk was like when George W. or Tony Blair dropped round for tea. Da, my armies haff keeled many willagers today, dey are trained to show no mercy to the womens and cheeldrens... And chow ees your lovely wife, Prime Meenister?

Let battle commence!

Young Ladies These Days Need a Bloody Good Fisking

DK had a good old moan about state education the other day. I like the old Devil when he's calling everyone a cunt and essentially acting like a tourettes'-afflicted retired army major on speed reading about the introduction of compulsory military bumsex but... Well, I tend to doze off when he starts rattling about the state's refusal to adopt some some rigidly wingnut policy or other.

Like me, you'll be stunned to learn that he thinks privatising everything will solve all our problems. I think he's saying that if you can't afford to send your child to Eton, then you have no business having children at all, but then, I went to a state school in East Lothian so my reading comprehension skills are for shit. Sorry if I missed the main thrust of the argument there.

Still, he does have a bit of a point about the standard of education in the UK. I switched the radio on while I was getting ready for work this morning, and what should spill out but Never Ever by All Saints. It's an affecting, emotionally-charged portrait of the extinction of a relationship, with the singers interrogating their lover* on the cause of death.

Well, I don't exactly beat hot blondes off with a stick, but if an All Saint sidled up to me and said she had A few questions that I need to know, or told me You've got my conscience asking questions that I can't find, I'd sit her down, get her a nice cup of tea and run her through the basics of English grammar.

Honestly, young ladies these days need a bloody good Fisking. I mean, they seem to have grasped the fundamentals of literacy, since they know that The alphabet runs right from A to Z. A bit of basic syntax should be simple.

That's hardly the worst part, though. If an All Saint asked me "When you gonna take me out of this black hole?" I'd be forced to say, Well, given that a "black hole" has a gravitational field so intense that no matter or radiation can escape, I'll take you out of it just as soon as I've worked out how to defy the very laws of physics themselves.

I don't think I'd even bother noting that, since outer space is a brutally cold vacuum in which organic life perishes almost instantly, there probably wouldn't be much point in trying to pull her out of the black hole in the first place. If she doesn't know that, then there'd be no need to confuse her further by explaining that the unimaginable pressure would long since have crushed her body to the width of a single atom.

So, in short, I agree with the Devil - modern British schools are failing our children. Personally, I'd advocate a bit less privatisation and a bit more concentration on the fundamentals of the English language and astrophysics but then, I suspect we were trained in different disciplines.

*Yes, I thought that four-on-one relationship part was rather odd, too, but not as bad as all of those Westlife blokes singing a love song thanking a woman called "Mandy" for her sexual affections. Kids these days... They need to understand that hardcore internet gangbang porno videos are merely for light entertainment, and are not step-by-step instruction manuals for the making of sweet love to young ladies.

Sunday, August 10, 2008

You's Fancy Pants

To every dumbass currently asking why lefties aren't going nuts, demanding that Russia stop bombing Georgia...

People like me, I think, want to see a ceasefire, as soon as possible. In certain previous wars, the very twats currently demanding our vociferous condemnation wanted to see a sustainable ceasefire.

That's the difference between us, peeps - a basic disagreement on what the words Anti-war mean. Speaking only for myself, when I say Let's not have a war, I mean it. You lot, you's fancy-pants, all a' youse.

Update!: Fucking hell, Vladimir Putin - and this is Vladimir "Nice Grozny You Have There, Shame If I Bombed It Flat Then Sent In More Bombers When The Rescue Workers Came Out To Help The People Who Have Been Bombed" Putin is now accusing the Georgians of committing genocide.

Seriously, this traffic warden genocided my Nissan Micra with a parking ticket on Tuesday...

Goddamn, and I thought us westerners knew how to devalue language - witness the abuse done to the word "Freedom" in recent years.

"Genocide"? KGB bullshit, more like.

Double Update!: Wait - I meant FSB bullshit. Times change, after all.

Triple Update!: Pigdogfucker has thoughts on this issue, although he sensibly posted his when he was sober.

Thursday, August 07, 2008

Bin Laden's Ex-Stylist Guilty of War Crimes
Terrorist Accountant, Masseuse Await Sentencing

Tuesday, August 05, 2008

When Ya Get Drafted

Hey, check it out - good news!

We've totally won in Iraq. It's all over the internet about how this "Surge" worked and victory is inevitable!

Boy, I'm glad everything worked out fine in the end. For a minute there, I thought we'd handed a country over to a gang of sectarian militias and left them to install whatever theocratic/gangster system the local nutters like best.

I must've just hallucinated that part, right? Like that weird memory I have of reading about how the Iraqi army's so riddled with Badr fighters it's just another local militia, and the Iraqi Prime Minister politely asking the Americans to piss off?

Because that's some huge stroke of luck for John McCain, what with Baghdad morphing overnight from Mogadishu into Geneva, and that whole American election thing only a few months away too. He must be thanking his lucky stars! Those millions of teachers, doctors, businessmen and lawyers that were being terrorised and driven into exile would really have damaged his campaign, because nothing says Vote for the other guy quite like a bout of murderous ethnic cleansing on your party's watch.

If I was being my usual cynical self, I'd be suspicious that the Republicans had just paid everyone fighting them enough cash to keep them quiet until after November. Boy, am I ever glad that I'm just this crazy, paranoid fruitcake!

Anyway, since this "Surge" thing seems to have taken care of business, I can't wait to see some good old normality on the streets of Baghdad. It'd be good for troop morale to send a few unarmed marines down to the bazaar and get them to knock back a few beers with the locals.

Hey, if McCain's in town, why not send him too? I think the Germans have shown that all foreigners love a presidential candidate!

In fact, you know what would really be great? If every single damn blogger on the internet who's written a post containing the words Iraq and victory in the last month would hop on a plane and drag themselves, their families and their pets over to the desert for a walk down Fallujah high street, I think that would send a really strong message of solidarity to the Iraqis.

Why, I think the Iraqis would be able to judge exactly how confident you are about this whole peace proposition just by your presence...

...And that, friends, is what I call the politics of hope.

n.b. While I remember, I had a really interesting conversation with some charming optimists on just this subject the other week. All kinds of interesting things cropped up...

Like, did you know that it's condescending and borderline racist to say that having an anonymous squad of militiamen execute Iraq's former genocidal tyrant while shouting the name of a violent theocrat might not be the best message to send to an emerging liberal democracy?

Neither did I, but you learn a new thing every day... (26/7, 2.18pm)

Monday, August 04, 2008

My God, It's Full Of Bullshit!

"We should ask those who make profits out of revelling in, or encouraging, selfish irresponsibility among young men what they think they're doing... They celebrate thrill-seeking and instant gratification without ever allowing any thought of responsibility towards others, or commitment, to intrude."

Not an Archbishop this time... That's Tory shadow education secretary Michael Gove, taking time out from his usual Melanie-Phillips-Without-The-Charisma act to put the boot into lads' mags Nuts and Zoo.

A Tory minister, pissing noisily over the concepts of selfishness and instant gratification! Whatever next?

Not only that, but he goes on to bash Labour's abysmal record on inequality. An attempt to outflank Labour on the left, or merely a slap of make-up and a threadbare wig intended to disguise their satanic, scarlet hides and their painfully obvious horns?

I'm having a hard time deciding how to respond to this. On the one hand, it's possible to interpret it as a long-belated recognition that the free market is not, after all, the Divine Will of The Almighty Himself. The pages of dumbass lads' mags are not coated with smack - kids like gawping at celebrity knockers, hence there is Zoo and Nuts. Gove surely recognises this, and still thinks it's worth bitching about.

Further, he begs forgiveness for the Tories' one-time penchant for blaming all of society's ills on single mothers and gays. Even without a promise to stop pinning it all on immigrants, this should be good news for those of us who pray for a political environment that doesn't reward emboldened, aggressive stupidity. It holds out the hope that one day it'll be possible to discuss, say, bouncy castles, without some apparatchik accusing Ken Livingstone of filling London's bouncy castles with Islamists and lesbians.

Only one question remains to be asked... What is this joker even banging on about? If Britain's biggest worry is our oversexed media, what is going to be solved by complaining about two magazines when adverts for microwaveable burgers and deodorants are jam-packed with jiggling titty?

Hell, give it two years and Saturday night TV will be wall-to-wall teabagging contests and I'm A Celebrity, Pull This Ferret Out Of My Arse.

Check the list of proposals - bleat about the crassness of modern culture, lecture teenage dads, offer tax incentives to couples to get married... you could be looking at a Labour Party manifesto, chock-full of the same petty scribbling in the margins, the same kind of Now, now, play nice children sentiment.

Jesus, it's bad enough that Labour would rather swallow their own balls than lay a finger on a mobster like Roman Abramovich. Is it too much to ask for a Tory minister to burst onto the stage wreathed in flame, breathing smoke and vowing to exterminate playschools or some such? Surely Gove could've mustered a bit of infernal bellowing and skewered a few puppies on his trident, just for the die-hards.

Because really, even if there's nobody left to cheer, at least we'd have somebody to boo. Party politics these days is like having the telephone directory read aloud in monotone by the colour beige.

Sunday, August 03, 2008

Scaramouche, Scaramouche/Hey, Let's Shoot That Jill Dando

April 20th, 1999

Belgrade, Serbia, private office of Slobodan Milosevic, President of Serbia

(MILOSEVIC enters, followed by NIKO, a government assassin)

MILOSEVIC: Curse their black hearts, Niko, the British have gone too far with this bombing. We must strike back, hard! Hit them where they'll feel it! Let us visit upon them the woes of the Serbian people a thousandfold!

NIKO: Yes, Mr. President. I have drawn up a list of potential targets for your selection -

MILOSEVIC: No need for that, Niko my boy, I already know exactly what to do... I want you to knock off that skinny blonde bird that presents Crimewatch.

NIKO: (Gasps) Sir, surely you don't mean...

MILOSEVIC: Yes - without that blonde piece off Crimewatch, Britain will be ruined! Let's see how the legendary British stiff upper lip copes with the murder of a minor celebrity! (Evil laugh, twiddles imaginary moustache).

NIKO: Sir, this plan is too fiendish even for you! Imagine the outcry when we tell them it was us who killed Jill Dando!

MILOSEVIC: But here's what's so fiendish about it, Niko - we won't tell them we did it. We'll keep entirely silent about our involvement, even if they arrest some local nutter and fit him up for the hit!

NIKO: Aha, I see... So, just to be clear, are you sure you wouldn't like me to bust a cap in the Queen Mother's ass or set off a bomb outside the Houses of Parliament?

MILOSEVIC: No, the British people wouldn't care at all if we did that. What we need to do is execute some television presenter, then never reveal our involvement to anyone.

NIKO: Truly, Mr. President, you are a genius. It will be done. (Exits)

MILOSEVIC: Now my dastardly plan is falling into place. Once Jill Dando is dead, there will be nobody left to stop me! (Hysterical laughter, masturbation)