Sunday, May 25, 2008

Britain - Victimised Since The 17th Century

Damn, what is it about us Brits?

Everywhere we've ever gone, we seem to annoy the locals. One minute it's Hello, old boy, that's a nice bone necklace you're wearing there... Oops, I seem to have shot you in the face. Oh, well, waste not, want not and the next there's twenty thousand fanatical guerilla warriors in the bush firing looted rifles at squaddies' heads.

And to cap it all off, the Torygraph is reporting that the Iranians have been paying Iraqi militias to kill British soldiers. That's Iran, mark you, a country we've fought against in only two wars, which by British standards should make them the diplomatic equivalent of jovial Sunday tennis partners.

England has fought France in over thirty wars, by my reckoning, but you don't see them lobbing rockets over the channel. Mind you, the French wouldn't piss on Britain if it was on fire, not unless they worked out how to piss petrol.

Anyway, I hate to say it, but I'm starting to think that there's something about our national character that just rubs people up the wrong way. Back in the day, even the Americans - our closest allies - hated our guts. We sent an enormous army to boot the warmongering, greedy French off their territory, and no sooner had we asked for a bit of help paying for the war effort than they started vandalising our tea and firing muskets at us.

Seriously, I've been doing some research, and I'm finding example after example - Sudan, South Africa, Ireland, India, Kenya, the list is practically endless. Obviously, we're a gregarious nation, keen to get out and meet new people, but it seems that no sooner would a couple of tens of thousands of British soldiers have got their coats off than the explosions and the anti-Anglo pogroms would start.

I'm stumped for an answer for this senseless aggression. It doesn't seem to matter whether we send the gentleman generals of the 17th century or the humanitarian taskforces of the 21st; whether we're handing out food packages and medicine or just massacring thousands of civilians, herding the survivors into camps and looting everything that isn't nailed down... I think we're just going to have to face facts.

We're not popular people, are we? The eastern Europeans are so ungrateful for our help in recent years that they won't even vote for our terrible songs in spectacularly camp talent contests.

It's a miracle there aren't heads on sticks on the beaches of Ayia Napa, for God's sake.

Well, all I can say is that if other nations are filled with such baseless, irrational hatred, we should let them look after themselves. Either that, or we could just follow the trend in recent years and shout loudly for the Americans to sort everything out.

Hell, they can't go anywhere without getting shot at either, but a quick flick through their newspapers would indicate that they're no closer to working out why that might be than we are.

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