Kent, England - Richard Lambert, head of the Confederation of British Industry, today condemned the International Olympic Committee for awarding the Games to China, a nation notorious for human rights abuses.
"The CBI is disgusted by this decision to award the Olympics to the Chinese," he said. "China's punitive taxation rates and overly-restrictive health and safety legislation will discourage British businesses from cashing in on lucrative investment opportunities, such as the exciting tiger-penis farming industry or its burgeoning demand for handcuffs, stun-batons, tear gas and tasers."
Secretary Hu "Baffled" By Protests
Beijing, China - Speaking from his throne of human skulls, Chinese Communist Party Chairman Hu Jintao expressed incomprehension at recent anti-Chinese protests and comments by political figures.
"I don't understand," he said. "Hillary Clinton gets most of her campaign contributions from corporations that own factories at Suzhou Industrial Park, amongst others. They get their products at a fraction of the cost, while using China as an excuse to crush their own domestic unions, demand regressive labour laws from bought-and-paid for Congressmen, and bilk vast tax breaks from states with massive unemployment by threatening to cut jobs... And here she is, calling on President Bush to boycott the Olympics?"
"Honestly... I literally have people bent over backwards to please her, and this is the thanks I get."
Hu shook his head in exasperation, pausing to order some minions to force another 20,000 industrial slaves into a death-trap prison/factory to apply radioactive paint to children's toys. "This arrangement suits everybody," Hu said. "Doesn't she realise how tiring it is driving the global economy 24/7? I've a good mind to ask for that trillion dollars back..."
Protester Totally On Television
London, England - In a completely, like, mindblowing development, sources report that local protester Samantha Parkinson was totally on television yesterday, which is, you know, just like... Wow. 27 year-old Parkinson was briefly glimpsed if you pause the screen and look in the top-left corner during this well mental sequence, in which London police officers confiscated banners, T-shirts and flags from free-speech protesters.
Reports also suggest that you can see the back of Parkinson's Killers shirt in an online photo depicting police arresting several demonstrators for public order offences, which is actually kind of a bummer if you think about it.
Unconfirmed speculation suggests that a man seen being shoved to the floor and handcuffed by police may have been Charlie, you know, that one with the nose-ring that Ashley got off with at Tabitha's party, which would be just like, hey, this is crazy, right?
Dead Iraqis "Silent" on Chinese Human Rights Abuses
Baghdad, Iraq - Sources report that several hundred thousand dead Iraqis remained unmoved by the plight of the Tibetan people yesterday. Despite China's brutal fifty-year occupation, levels of public awareness amongst Iraq's minority deceased population remains at a surprisingly low 0%, prompting British human rights activists to wonder whether a change in tactics might help foster public sympathy on the issue.
"The problem appears to be spreading to other countries," one activist said. "Initial studies suggest that dead Afghans are, if anything, even less interested in the fate of the Tibetan people."
"Hello, Is There Anybody There?" - Burma
Rangoon, Burma - Confusion reigned in Rangoon yesterday as the Burmese people began to ask where all that international attention had gone. "Uh, hello? Is anybody there?" asked the Burmese population, whose struggle for basic human rights and freedom of speech was briefly yet ecstatically popular in Britain just a few months ago. "Uh, we're still here," they said, collectively.
Local Blogger Stable After Frenzied Attack On Self
Edinburgh, Scotland - A local blogger was rushed to hospital today after being overcome by a life-threatening attack of cognitive dissonance. The unnamed internet loudmouth was overwhelmed by the seizure, and began bashing his head against his desk shouting "Arseholes!" at the top of his voice.
"Bastards," he sobbed as he was carried to the waiting ambulance. No further details are forthcoming at present.
p.13 - Athletes Shuffle Feet, Change Subject
- Dalai Lama Asks International Community For Aid, Yaks