Saturday, September 22, 2007

Presidential Musings, Part One

Hark - what is that I hear?

The screech of brakes, the sick squeal of tortured tyres, the heavy, kinetic crunch of compacting metal...

Why, it must be another attempt to build brotherhood at Britain and!

He who dares wins, as they say, and they certainly are daring this week - trying to sell hideous homunculus and Republican presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani's visit to London as an opportunity to build trans-atlantic bridges.

A game tactic, sadly destined to fail, for no individual could better embody the vileness and depravity at the heart of American conservatism than America's Mayortm.

With no better candidate in the field, the lunatics of Dogdick have slung their weight behind Rudy despite his multiple marriages, his indifference to homosexual practices and his failure to bleat endlessly about the sanctity of the foetus.

That's because, in the absence of actual policies, Rudy has spent his campaign whacking off over the Republicans' big-stick-no-brain catastrophe in Iraq, while bashing isolationist throw-back candidate Ron Paul as a tinfoil-hatted Truther.

Not only that - as America's Mayortm, Rudy's constant invocations of 9/11tm and his related mad leadership skillz have elevated him to a plateau of rock-solid credibility on the Smashing Fuck Out Of Foreigners front.

Quite why the brains behind Britain and America believe that parading this evil fuck will eradicate our anti-Americanism is unclear. Frankly, I imagine that most Brits have the same aversion to walking sacks of opportunistic malice that most Americans do.

Surely, nothing could be more catastrophic for their hands-across-the-ocean effort than publicising a bullshitting freak of nature who resembles the deformed offspring of Nosferatu and Skeletor, and possesses all the charisma of a Viagra-guzzling necrophiliac in a crypt.

But wait - did I just mention necrophilia?

Yep, there's no doubt about it - photograph the unacceptable face of I'm-Rich-And-So-Are-My-Pals-Fuck-You-Very-Much! American capitalism sucking up to our very own pocket-stuffing hate figure, and watch those stars 'n' stripes fly nationwide!

Jesus, you'd be pushed to find a bigger Yankophile than me in these lands, but that picture makes me want to burn my American flag and take a holiday in Tora Bora.

I can only conclude that Britain and America has been set up as some kind of Yank-hating Psy-Op, designed to incite enough visceral hatred to precipitate a doomed invasion of Massachusetts.

How could it be otherwise? If this was a serious attempt to entice us into the warm embrace of Uncle Sam, I would have to believe it had been conceived by a brain-damaged donkey.

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