Looking at my recent traffic figures, I've come to a realisation - I've hit the peak of my fame as a blogger, and it's time to branch out if I want to continue my meteoric rise to international superstardom.
Accordingly, I've decided to emulate Paris Hilton, R Kelly and Pamela Anderson by releasing my own sex tape.
I thought filming a raunchy romp would be rather straightforward, and explained to Mrs. Rodent and her friend that their involvement in a seedy, poorly-shot menage-a-trois would confirm my star-status and allow them to bask in my reflected glory. Money for nothing, I told them.
After they'd finished punching me, I re-evaluated my situation and decided that a menage-a-un might be the best option.
So here's the dilemma - do I charge a select audience for access to my mucky me-some, capitalising on the initial profits and trusting the free market to stuff my pockets with the wages of sin, or do I just make the filthy footage freely available online?
And is it appropriate to contact The Sun to sell my tawdry tell-all exclusive, or should I wait for them to offer me a six-figure deal?
After all, I wouldn't want to look desperate for attention.