Fantastic news for crinklies seeking the fountain of eternal youth - cocaine users are getting younger.
This is a major breakthrough in medical science - for years, I'd thought that the twat-powder was only good for sucking the talent and originality out of artists and rock stars. Now, it's been revealed as the key to reversing the aging process.
I demand that the government immediately send shipments to retirement homes nationwide, and ply the dodderiest coffin-dodgers with vast piles of extortionate snozzguff.
Even if the rejuvenating effect is minimal, I imagine it'll enliven the TV room during The Jeremy Kyle Show.
Not that I'd be after any myself, of course - I'm in the peak of health, and don't do drugs that can't be mixed with fruit juice and chugged out of a pineapple, with lots of straws and little umbrellas.
Anyway, why would I need to take a substance that causes relentless attention-seeking and outbursts of chronic verbal diarrhea?
Having found a cure for death, I think we'll need to address the urgent sociological issues that will be caused by millions of buzzing pensioners - just imagine how furiously a coach-load of day-tripping pensioners could complain if they were all whacked off their senile chumps.
Why, no bus would be punctual enough, no pot of tea drinkable. It'd be a perfect storm of whingeing, so bitter and vehement that the very atmosphere would be toxic to children and animals.
Perhaps it would be better not to ply pensioners with cocaine after all - God only knows who comes up with these ridiculous ideas.