Saturday, September 15, 2007

Bush Announces American Withdrawal From Reality

Reuters News, September 15th 2007

In a major policy speech today, President Bush announced that the United States would presently begin a major withdrawal from reality.

Speaking at the White House, the President stated that he had ordered an immediate drawdown in accurate analysis of American foreign policy and the creation of an intricate, yet utterly illusory fantasy world of self-pity and resentment.

"I urge every American to join me in this comforting, fraudulent land of make-believe," the President said. "All of us should immediately put the catastrophic failure of my policies out of their minds, and begin scapegoating the dirty hippies."

"Dirty hippies... dirty back-stabbing hippies..." murmured the assembled press corp, transfixed by President Bush's words.

The President presented his plans, which include the complete erasure of Republican misdeeds from the historical record.

"No longer will anyone say that our plans for a democratic Iraq were fatally undermined by the rampant corruption of my administration," he said.

"Every American should immediately forget my blatant dishonesty in arguing for war, and remain oblivious to the epidemic of profiteering and corporate theft that wrecked our plans for Iraqi reconstruction."

"Instead, I ask you to convince yourselves that my policies have been thwarted by saboteurs within the media and the anti-war movement, whose agitation for the enemy has destroyed the will of the public to carry on the fight."

"Following an extended period of sobbing self-pity, I believe that we will be able to expunge all memory of those hundreds of thousands of dead foreigners."

The President urged all sectors of American society to support his plan, calling upon Hollywood to release a string of blubbing, woe-is-us movies about how unpleasant it is to lose a war.

"Let us not forget that, after a four-year campaign of merciless Bomb-First, Work-Out-Who-The-Bad-Guys-Are-Later military destruction, America faces an uphill battle to reconcile the appalling violence of our assaults with our cheerful, aw-shucks self-image."

"Having caused the collapse of Iraqi civil society and unleashed murderous horror across that nation, let us not forget who the real victims are."


President Bush refused to take questions, choosing instead to thank the press corps for their one-eyed reporting of American strategy in Anbar province.

"By constructing an elaborate fantasyland in which arming sectarian militias will somehow aid the creation of a unified Iraqi state, you have sown the seeds of future stab-in-the-back mythmaking."

"I thank you all for your willingness to assist future warmongering by pretending we had a chance of victory in this conflict - your reporting will be used as evidence by future generations to depict a magical world of fiction in which we, not they, are the real victims."

"When my grandchildren lead the next invasion of a dirt-poor third world nation, they will surely do so unencumbered by accurate analysis of our present disaster."

Previous Presidential Proclamations - President Criticises China, Russia; Bush Rejects Withdrawal Method; Bush - Let Us Spread Freedom, Torture; Bush Slays Crowd With All-New Material.

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