Thursday, August 16, 2007


Hello, Shogun Debt Recovery - Ayame Kimura speaking, how may I help?

...Ah, Bill Thompson-San, so good of you to call. I assume you wish to discuss the letter you have received?

...Yes, that is correct, Edinburgh City Council state that you have missed a Council Tax payment and have passed your debt to us.

In accordance with our procedures, we have ordered a master ninja to collect your head.

...Please, calm down Thompson-San... Yes, I did say "collect your head". Your bad faith in missing a payment has brought shame upon the ancestors of Edinburgh City Council, and they cry furiously for vengeance from the afterlife.

...No, I'm afraid that cash will not suffice. Once the recovery procedure has begun it cannot be reversed - your debt must be paid in blood, and our master ninja Hideo has been dispatched to splatter several pints of yours over a very wide area.

...Yes, I'm afraid that our records indicate that you failed to make a payment in April.

...Oh, you did? Perhaps there has been an error. Do you have a receipt?

...I see. In that case, I suggest that you make your peace with your loved ones and prepare to join your forefathers in the hereafter...

...Oh, don't worry about that. Master Hideo is a consummate professional and your family is quite safe, unless he decides to make an example of you.

...Please, Thompson-San, cursewords will not help. After all, it is not I who will soon leap silently from behind your couch and slash you open from neck to navel. It will not be me who spears you through the eye with a dart coated in the deadly neurotoxin of the fugu fish.

...Yes, I'm afraid our silent assassins are quite unstoppable - one moment you shall be strolling merrily through the park with your fair wife, and the next she will turn to address a fine cloud of arterial mist.

...Now now, Thompson-San, I must advise you that your baseball bat will be of no assistance. We do not call our ninjas "silent assassins" because they arrive playing the bagpipes, ha ha!

No, any resistance on your part will merely cause you more pain as you spend the last two seconds of your dishonourable, debt-ridden life staring in horror at the bloody stumps of your wrists.

...Please, Thompson-San, I can assure you that- yes, I understand but- Thompson San-

...Well, I shall make Edinburgh City Council aware of your displeasure at their actions, but I would advise you to make use of what little time you have by putting your finances in order.

Ha ha, ironic isn't it?

...Yes, no problem Thompson-San.

...Have a nice day!

No comments: