Bush Criticises Russia, China
37 Killed In Outbreak Of Cranial Blow-Outs
Reuters, 5th June 2007
President George W. Bush has criticised Russia, China and various other states for democratic failings, human rights abuses and military aggression at a press conference today, causing the deaths of at least 37 journalists.
Citing Russia's "creeping authoritarianism" the US President, who has accrued more unrestrained power to himself than any other in history, accused Russian Premier Vladimir Putin of abusing the democratic process.
"What the Fuck?!" screamed veteran CNN correspondent Christine Amanpour, before her brains blasted out of her ears with a loud "Thwock!" sound, covering her colleagues in a fine red mist of sticky matter.
"I think she was a bit taken aback," said one witness, "Given the Republicans' massive voter suppression schemes and complete disregard for Congressional oversight, I think her brain just overloaded and came squirting out of her skull like two snotty geysers of ick."
Shouting to be heard over the cacophanous din of screams and popping heads, President Bush then lambasted China for overspending on military procurement and chided Russia for using its resources and economic power to intimidate its rivals.
"Justin was just making these strangled 'Buh-buh-buh' noises," said one journalist of his colleague Justin Webb. "I think he was trying to make a point about the $700 billion dollar defence budget Bush will soon approve, and then he turned bright crimson and his skull exploded like a stamped apple."
The conference room then filled with a noise like an enormous roll of bubble-wrap being trampled by a herd of white rhinos as an Administration official alluded to the lack of press freedom in Russia, including the murder of journalists.
"Anyone would think that they'd forgotten that the US armed forces have killed at least sixteen journos in the past five years," noted one hack while nursing a nosebleed. "One guy fell to the ground next to me screaming 'The gall, the sheer gall of these bastards!'."
"Then blue flames started belching out of his eyes and ears. It was horrible."
The Presidential entourage remained unaffected by the ferocious waves of cognitive dissonence emanating from the President, wincing at a particularly violent cranial detonation as Bush criticised Russia's "over-reaction" to his decision to deploy a missile defence system to Eastern Europe.
"Russia has nothing to fear from this purely defensive system," the President announced. "Our new offensive missiles, however, should fucking terrify them beyond continence, especially now that we've essentially surrounded Russia with US military installations."
By the end of the speech, the press contingent had been practically wiped out. However, administration insiders insisted that the bloodbath could have been far worse.
"It's just as well the President didn't attack Russia's sham democracy," said one insider.
"If he'd so much as mentioned the fact that the Russian political process is a shallow facade designed solely for the benefit of a tiny elite, they'd have been scraping brains off the roof in Burkina Faso."