Monday, May 28, 2007

It's A Royal Knockout

So, Channel 4 are to screen a cheap ratings-grabber in which they will show stills of the aftermath of the Paris car smash that killed Princess Diana. This has provoked outrage from, well, everyone.

I'm something of a political magpie, picking up bits and pieces of theories and positions here and there, so I'm inclined to take a free marketeer's stance on this issue - since there's obviously a demand for smashed and mangled royalty, why not allow Channel 4 to plug the gap?

They could make it a series, in fact - have the public vote which member of the aristocracy they'd like to see pulverised, then blast them from cannons into walls like over-ripe tomatoes.

"This week on It's a Royal Massacre, Charles faces off against Andrew in Chainsaw Challenge! Which of these plucky Princes will prevail in this regal rumble?"

I'm not saying they should adopt a solemn tone, of course. If we're going to dispatch the Royal Family in all manner of gruesome ways, it'd put everybody off their popcorn. No, the only way to do it would be Japanese-style, with garish manga splatters across the screen, duck-whistle pratfalls and comical boings.

After all, you can't spell slaughter without laughter.

Come on, regicide is a great and noble British tradition - in a two hundred year period, not one Scottish King died in his bed, and the English were always pleased to dispatch their monarchs by axe or red-hot poker.

And if a man can't stand up for British traditions in the modern age, by God, we might as well have handed the country over to Hitler and had done with it.

Truly, it's a terrible thing when a dissolute misanthrope such as myself has to take a stand for British values.

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