I know that it's extremely unlikely, but if you were the young lady sitting two seats behind me chatting on your mobile phone on the number 13 bus at about six o'clock today, I'd just like to express my admiration for your quick-wittedness.
How fortunate that you were sharp enough to concoct an elaborate cover story to explain your absence from the office today.
Had you told your employers the truth - that you were in hospital because a gentleman you met last night had ripped your anus and rectal wall while attempting unnatural intercourse - you would surely have been severely embarrassed.
How my heart filled with sympathy as you detailed the precise dimensions of the stitch on your nipsy and bemoaned the immense irritation it was causing you.
I'm sure that my fellow passengers were just as impressed as I was by the dignity with which you comported yourself at this trying time.
I hope that your injured nether-parts recover quickly, and wish you all the very best.