Saturday, February 10, 2007

Please Fasten Your Seatbelts

An opinion piece in the Torygraph pushes Pigdogfucker to further curse words this week - apparently, it's now illegal to insult airhostesses, and one can be arrested on the say-so of a grumpy trolley dolly.

PDF feels that this is an over-reaction to a non-existent threat...

"The suggestion that this is in any way essential in order to maintain air safety is obviously bollocks. Post-September 11, there should be no way for any member of the public to access the cockpit. The doors are designed so that the cabin’s pressurisation holds them shut and would require 25 tons of force to open. Unless you’ve smuggled a high-calibre gun on board, your chances of endangering the aircraft are zero..."

If that's PDF's position, then I'll have to politely invite him to PDF off on holiday - as anyone who's visited the UK can tell you, British air travellers are one mini-bar shortage away from reverting to cannibalism.

Behind the polite veneer of civility projected by most Brits lurks a roiling vortex of pure, white-hot rage and hatred. A quick click about the internet is enough to confirm that - just give the average Briton a forum in which to express his opinions with impunity and within five seconds they're demanding heads on sticks.

In the pressurised confines of a commercial airline, a shortage of Chardonnay could lead to the airport cops opening the doors to find the biggest and strongest of the passengers gnawing on a femur.

If you disagree, I suggest an expiriment - when the hostess asks all passengers to turn off their iPods for landing, wave yours aloft and shriek "That's it, I've had all I can stand, I'm bringing this fucker down!"

P.S. That said, it's not all mindless thuggery, although more senseless violence on flights to and from Glasgow airport would cheer me up no end.

Check this out - when the pilot lands the plane, the Glaswegian passengers are so impressed by this miraculous feat of technological wizardry that they applaud.

Not to rant about nothing, but would they applaud a bus driver for succesfully pulling up at a bus stop? "Guid work big man, yir brakin' skills were pure magic!"

In the face of such slack-jawed bumpkinry, I think that air hostesses should be issued samurai swords and throwing knives.

They'll be invaluable if the yokels realise that some form of voodoo is propelling us through the air and start gibbering in their heathen lingo, invoking the sign of the evil eye and offering up human sacrifices to the Gods.

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