Monday, October 30, 2006

Global Warming - What Are YOU Going To Do About It?

As Tony Blair commences his latest crusade to save humanity from itself, I'm left cowering behind the couch, unmanning myself in abject terror.

Not content with scaring the bejeezus out of me with his continual litany of imminent terrorist threats and Orwellian legislation, the PM is now balefully warning us of the disastrous consequences of global warming.

It's a wonder I can get out of bed in the morning when every newspaper screams "NUCLEAR HAPPY-SLAPPING GREENHOUSE HOLOCAUST HORROR!" from its front page. Watching the news feels like voluntarily submitting to the Ludovico technique from "A Clockwork Orange".

More eyedrops please, nurse, I can't see the polar icecaps melting like an Ethiopian's ice-cream.

I'm in no doubt that the scientists warning of this threat are credible - I know exactly hee-haw about science, beyond the fact that a physicist once had a cat that was sort of dead, but also sort of alive.

Bloody scientists, always threatening us with plagues of zombie cats.

It's also noticeable that the arguments of the web's leading global warming sceptics essentially boil down to "Hands off my Jag, Trotskyite scumbags!".

Put it this way, if your only qualifications are a reluctance to part with your half a mile to the gallon, two-ton planet smasher and a fierce hatred of sanctimonious hippies, I'm suspicious of your scientific bona fides.

Still, I can't help but feel like I'm being unfairly treated. The government are now looking at the possibility of heavy taxation on cars and plane travel, which leaves me fairly well screwed. I've never owned a car, have used Scotland's creaking public transport system all my life and only ever left the country three times.

So it seems only fair that I should be exempted from any efforts to crack down on travel, while globetrotters and anyone presently owning a car should be taxed, harrassed and fined into penury. The market would glut with jaw-droppingly enormous SUVs, in which I could then blast up and down country lanes, terrorising assorted yokels and wildlife.

I think it's a great idea, since the roads would be clear and it'd make air travel far less drudgerous. I'm sure you'll all agree that it's reasonable that I should have my crack at bumming around South America - after all, while you were all swanning off to China and Australia I was cleaning your mates ashtrays and washing their empty pints.

I'm going to email my idea to my MP. Perhaps if I offer to vote for him next time instead of the guy in the enormous yellow hat he'll see the wisdom of my plan.

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