Tuesday, September 12, 2006

An Inspector Calls

I've been trying to cheer myself up after reading so many glowing tributes to President Bush's speech, as witnessing such debauched displays of witless onanism is wearying.

The relentless human capacity for self-deception appears undented by the countless head-on fender-benders reality has recently subjected our nations to.

Thankfully, I remembered a story I read on Reuters some time ago, and just a quick Google search later I was much cheerier.

Stubborn self-delusion is nothing compared to the cunning wiles of the Breast Inspector.

MIAMI (Reuters) - A 76-year-old man claiming to be a doctor went door-to-door in a Florida neighborhood offering free breast exams, and was charged with sexually assaulting two women who accepted the offer, police said on Thursday.

One woman became suspicious after the man asked her to remove all her clothes and began conducting a purported genital exam without donning rubber gloves, investigators said. The woman then phoned the Broward County Sheriff's Office and the suspect fled.

He was arrested at another woman's apartment in the same Lauderdale Lakes neighborhood on Wednesday, a sheriff's spokesman said. The white-haired suspect, Philip Winikoff, carried a black bag and claimed to be visiting on behalf of a local hospital.

"He told the woman that he was in the neighborhood offering free breast exams," sheriff's spokesman Hugh Graf said in a statement. At least two women, both in their 30s, let him into their homes and he fondled and sexually assaulted them, the investigators said.

Winikoff was not a doctor, Graf said. He worked as a shuttle driver for an auto dealership.

I know I shouldn't laugh at the misfortune of the victims of such assaults, but I can't help but wonder whether I should relocate to Florida and start a career as a wallet inspector.

Florida - America's Wang

The sooner this German chemist perfects his scientific breakthrough, the better off we'll all be - we certainly won't have to listen to bloggers like Vodkapundit tell us that the combined might of Iran, Osama Bin Laden, Syria and Hezbollah represent a more terrifying threat to mankind than the Soviet Union.

What would Stalin, Kruschev or Brezhnev say, if they could speak from beyond the grave?* Would they point to the Soviets' enormous nuclear arsenal, millions of men under arms and tens of thousands of tanks? Would they talk of the great ideological wars of the twentieth century?

Since all were enthusiastic employers of propaganda, we have to consider the foul possibility that they'd give him a job at Pravda.

*And if I could understand Russian, of course.

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