Patient readers who have persevered with this page in the hope that comedy will eventually ensue may be interested to know what became of my appeal for bloggers to support Isobel Campbell's "Ballad of the Broken Seas" for the Mercury Music Prize.
As you might imagine, the novel paradigm created by the advent of the new journalism caused my campaign to catch on like wildfire and a mass grassroots movement formed to pressure the judges into endorsing my choice.
Which is why the Arctic Monkeys strolled off as comfortable winners, despite my previous statement that " it would make their mums really proud if they won, but we live in a world where the hopes of wide-eyed children are often cruelly dashed."
How this can have happened I am unsure - I was led to believe that bloggers represented the great mass of humanity and that stridency was the sure key to the triumph of citizen journalism. It appears that I have been misled.
Nonetheless, in the aftermath of the ceremony, I am alarmed to notice that the BBC's website has been attacked by cackling gremlins convinced that the Arctic Monkeys are "the best band since Oasis" and that their album is "the best since Definitely Maybe".
I believe this is what American Republicans refer to as "the soft bigotry of low expectations". Referring to any band as being the "best since Oasis" is a bit like saying the film you just saw is "the best since Anaconda" or that the book you just finished was the best you've read since "A Time To Kill" by John Grisham.
I'll keep it brief - Oasis are deeply shit. If you like albums where almost all of the songs are in the same tempo and key and display the same utter contempt for the art of writing lyrics, this is the band for you. If you hate surprises, sudden shifts in tone, artistic progression and creativity, you need look no further.
They are the artistic equivalent that poster of the tennis player scratching her arse.
n.b. Normal posts resume tomorrow - social commitments have kept me from paying proper attention to this page.