Tuesday, September 12, 2006

A Call To Arms

I am sure you will recall how TV's intrepid Steve Irwin met his nemesis recently, eaten by a stingray while trying to bring the wonder of the deep to the slack, mastocating couchbound.

Already, patriotic Australians have begun to fight back against these sea beasts and their implacable hatred, attacking stingrays in revenge for the death of the towering TV collossus.

With this the Australians have declared that the time for mourning is over, and that it is time to strike back hard at the aquatic menace that lurks within our seas, our rivers and even in the ponds near which our children play.

But the threat from these cold-blooded assassins of the deep does not begin and end with the ferocious predators, the sharks, the stingrays and the killer whales.

Would that that were the case, we might take some small comfort. Their catalogue of anti-human hate crimes is too long to list, but some of their more recent atrocities are enough to strike fear into the hearts of any mortal.

Cambodian teenager strangled by enraged fish.

Psychotic sea bass drowns diver.

Toddler twatted by sadistic sunfish.

And who can forget the unforgiveable crimes against humanity perpetrated by fishkind during World War II, when they allied themselves with the racist imperium of Hirohito?

This reign of piscine terror will not be ended by diplomacy, nor under the auspices of the UN. President Bush's assertion that "human beings and fish can coexist peacefully" has been proven to be a fantasy for those still stuck in a pre-Stevo-eating mindset.

We now need to fully grasp the situation - we find ourselves facing a threat the like of which we have never encountered. The fish will never stop, never engage in diplomacy, will never listen to appeals to reason. Their quest for hegemony of the seas must end.

Our resolve is firm, our purpose is clear. We will fight these aquatic totalitarians, and we will prevail.

Fish - Bastards.

Update!: Satire - even my ham-fisted attempts at it - is increasingly being made obsolete by the internet. I believe I may just have stumbled across the most flat-out fucking insane depiction of the old saw about single mothers and the decline of society ever recorded.

From Roy at Alicublog, whose ability to detect the scent of crazy on the virtual winds is approaching bloodhound levels.

No posts tomorrow (pub), and possibly not for many days after that as I try to cram my exploded brains back into my skull.

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