Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Hints to the Conservative Movement - How to Reclaim the Culture, Part Two

The second post in an ongoing series - the first is here.

I've read many a blogger advising anguished lefties on how to boost their electoral chances over the years, most of them entirely genuine and in no way malicious or sarcastic. Since both big and small C conservatives have certain presentational issues (people under the age of 40 generally consider them to be raving, spittle-flecked racists or fusty, retired Army majors) I thought I'd offer them some of my advice.

To capture the imagination of youngsters, you need to inhabit the mind of the youngster. Anyone under 21 will tell you, the most important thing is respect.

And let's face it, there isn't much that a 21 year old considers much cooler than getting off your face on drugs. But I say to you, don't fear the drug user - embrace him! He is your brother under the skin.

I, of course, neither use nor condone the use of drugs, but we must be prepared to think outside the box when the situation demands it.

This idea may take some getting used to, as I am aware that drugs have a certain social stigma attached to them. Nonetheless, I am accustomed to being the lone voice crying in the wilderness, and press on undaunted.

Respect The Small Entrepreneur! (Again!)

Picture the scene - Scarface sits in his pool, drinking the finest champagne and smoking an enormous Havana cigar. Is he to be arrested, pilloried, pitied?

What are you, a Marxist? The drug dealer represents the triumph of free market values - a man with an idea and the sheer gumption to fight through the red tape and government interference to the financial nirvana of a mansion, fast cars and conspicuous consumption. Using only his ingenuity, determination and propensity for blood-curdling violence, the dealer achieves the capitalist dream of a market monopoly.

He doesn't even pay tax! Truly, an economic miracle.

Let us not underestimate the scale of the task, for narcotics is a cut-throat business. Our hero must contend with dishonest suppliers, ruthless competitors and the annoyance of perpetual state intrusion.

Drugs are, of course, illegal, but as we've been repeatedly told, it is against human nature to constrain the urge of a man to better himself. Frankly, I'm amazed we've allowed communist anti-narcotic legislation to constrain our struggling businesses for so long.

All drugs are generally perceived as a blight on human existence, but this is because we don't approach them in view of their benefits to the conservative movement. Allow me to explain, and I expect to see Tony Blair red-eyed and giggling, addressing an inattentive audience at the next Labour Party conference.

Cocaine - Many falsehoods are told about cocaine. In fact, many falsehoods are told by people who are on cocaine, usually at the company Christmas shindig while trying to bone the secretary. And this is the singular allure of cocaine - it's almost exclusively used by very, very rich, successful people.

I don't generally spend much time hanging around in the toilets of clubs and style bars, but do it for long enough on any night of the week and a man will come in and offer you cocaine. That man will be wearing a suit and a rolex, and will earn an annual salary of no less than £45,000 per annum.

The applications for pundits and bloggers are obvious - you can spout hateful warmongering bullshit at three times the speed with ten times the intensity for five times as long! It's viagra for liars and salesmen.

LSD and sundry hallucinogenics - Do I even have to spell this one out? Have you ever read the Book of Revelation?

PCP (also known as Angel Dust) - At first sight, an unpleasant drug all round. But what red-blooded warmonger could fail to respect a drug that renders users impervious to bullets?

It's also very useful for fearmongering. If you've looked down to see the eyeless corpse of Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi climbing your leg with a curved dagger in his teeth, you won't have much trouble depicting a terrifying foreign other for the masses to be afraid of.

Heroin - I confess, the applications are few, but I can't think of anything else that's going to calm down raving psychos like Atlas Pam when her rage boils over and she starts rending her garments in public.

Plus, smack tends to give the poor and people from minority ethnic groups something to occupy themselves with, as opposed to demanding equal pay and rights, if you know what I mean.

I can't deny that there are social costs associated with rampant drug abuse, but these will be borne by the poor. The affluent are rarely inconvenienced by the drug trade, outside of Tom Wolfe novels.

Wealthy conservatives need not fear, for the massive profits you will reap will allow you to offset the social chaos by hiring private security, and further cash can be milked from the government by opening more private prisons.

So everyone's a winner! Well, except for the working man, but since when did the Thatcherites and the Reaganauts give a damn about him?

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