Wednesday, December 23, 2015

Who's Who On... The Bus?

We all love the bus - it's the nation's favourite mode of transport/24-hour stabbing-wagon.

But the bus is more than just a mobile day-care centre for young offenders and the mildly psychotic.  It's where the community comes together every day, in a spirit of mutual resentment, anxiety and barely-restrained violence.

So what will you find, the next time that you get on the number 37?  Who will be waiting to greet you with a friendly smile and a belligerent demeanour?

See below for a cheering festive list of the chummy characters that can be found on any bus, anywhere in the country, on any given day:

- Helpful young man offering advice to driver on how to speed up the journey, by shouting "Fuck's sake, man!" and "Fucking come on!" whenever bus stops at a traffic light;

- Sharp-elbowed pensioners shoving their way to the front of the bus queue, daring anyone to comment;

- Gentleman being either friendly in a very aggressive way, or aggressive in a very friendly way;

- Disinterested mother gazing vacantly out of window while unattended toddler throws screeching, 15-minute tantrum;

- Driver's state of not-giving-a-shit now so elevated, he's stopped so much as braking for pedestrian crossings;

- Woman entertaining entire deck of passengers with loud phone conversation, listing dietary preferences, personal grudges, alcohol-fuelled misunderstandings and graphically-detailed sexual anecdotes;

- Young offender repeatedly misidentifying driver's race, religion and nationality during heated conversation;

- Furiously angry young man punching driver's booth window, demanding to be let off bus into path of speeding cars;

- Delightful young debutante informing friends of the love rivals that she would like to stab;

- Sinister, muttering gentleman shifting further and further across the seat towards you with hand thrust very deep into pocket; 

- Woman trying just to read book in peace, for Christ's sake, while self-styled comic genius regales her with unsolicited tales of whimsy and derring-do;

- Students staring determinedly at iPhones while very drunk man aggressively wishes them a "merry fucking Christmas".


Phil said...

Ooh, is this the first of a series? Do "the pub", I dare you.

Anonymous said...

Merry Christmas Rodent. Keep up the snark xx


gregorach said...

"... the number 37 ..."

There's your problem, right there. (Assuming I'm vaguely right about your general location.)

Some buses are OK. It depends very much on what sort of areas they serve.

Luther Blissett said...

No person who values the space to put an unfolded pram over the dignity and feeling of a wheelchair user? Muttering darkly about scroungers if asked to move pram?

Your bus sounds like the height of civil politeness and consideration ;)