Presenter: ...Derek McSmug is the SNP spokesperson for Really Complaining About Things. Derek, thanks for joining us on the show.
Derek McSmug: Thank you, Gary.
Presenter: Derek, you said yesterday that a second Scottish independence referendum is "terrifyingly inevitable". Does your party intend to bring forward plans for another referendum in the near future?
Derek McSmug: Well Gary, I think it's no secret that we're in favour of Scottish independence! (Laughs) But no, we have no plans to hold a second referendum in the foreseeable future. We're focusing on standing up for the people of Scotland against the Tories' swingeing cuts to public services, which the Labour Party is fully -
Presenter: Well, if you're focusing on standing up to the Tories, why do you keep talking about a second referendum? Why not move past that and focus on your work at Westminster, or on governing here in Scotland?
Derek McSmug: Frankly Gary, I'm shocked and disappointed that you've said that. You know that it's for the people of Scotland to decide whether there should be a second referendum and I don't think it's for the media to tell the people of Scotland that they mustn't discuss their constitutional future.
Presenter: With respect Derek, it's you that keeps talking up a referendum, not the people of Scotland.
Derek McSmug: Yes, and I think we had a General Election only a few months ago, in which - as you'll recall! - my party did rather well with the people of Scotland! (Laughs) But really, we're focusing on resisisting the Tories' swingeing cuts to public services, cuts which the Labour Party -
Presenter: Okay, can you tell us exactly what it is that you're doing to protect Scotland from Tory cuts? Because you seem to spend quite a lot of time appearing in the papers and talking about referendums, and monkeying about sitting in the other parties' seats, but not a lot else.
Derek McSmug: Gary, we represent the interests of the people of Scotland at Westminster and I can assure you that the people of Scotland absolutely do not think that resisting the Tories' swingeing cuts to public services is worthless. We just had a General Election that proved that, as you'll recall, in which my party did very well.
Presenter: Yes, but -
Derek McSmug: ...But on the subject of a second referendum, I do think that a second referendum is inevitable, but we're focusing on fighting the Tory -
Presenter: Well, if you're so focused on fighting the Tory cuts, why do you keep talking about a second referendum? Why not just keep quiet about a referendum?
Derek McSmug: Gary, I'm really saddened by your tone and so too, I'm sure, are the people of Scotland. They don't want to be told to shut up about their constitutional future by the media and frankly, this is just the kind of distraction and smear tactics that we're so keen to get away from, so that we can focus on fighting the Tories' swingeing cuts.
Presenter: But you don't seem to be doing anything to fight the Tory cuts. You just keep appearing on TV shows talking about referendums and complaining all the time, without - if you'll forgive me - appearing to do anything useful. Can you tell us about anything that you're actually doing?
Derek McSmug: Well, I think that's typical of this broadcaster's condescending attitude towards the democratic will of the Scottish people, frankly. The people of Scotland made their opinions clear on the matter at the General Election which, as you'll recall, my party did rather well in. They want us to fight the Tories' swingeing cuts -
Presenter: But you're not fighting anything, are you? You're all just standing around making grand speeches, blethering about referendums and ensuring that you get your faces in the paper as often as possible!
Derek McSmug: Gary, I have explained this to you again and again, and it's just not sinking in. We represent the interests of the people of Scotland. They elected us - and my party did very well, as you'll recall - to resist the swingeing Tory cuts and, as for the prospect of a second referendum, that is up to the people of Scotland to decide.
Presenter: But -
Derek McSmug: And it's terrifyingly inevitable.
Presenter: (Sighs) Derek McSmug, that's all we have time for. Thank you for joining us this morning...
Derek McSmug: Thank you, Gary.
(For anyone who's mystified: this is a fictionalised and satirical version of interviews that play out on Scottish politics shows on radio and TV most days of the week. It doesn't matter whether the topic is another referendum or the NHS or agriculture and, if anything, I'm being considerably harsher on the interviewer than on the interviewees).