Saturday, December 13, 2014

The Rat, December 2014

The RatThe Rat.png
Porn Bill to ban depictions of “squiffing, thrasping, ball-snurgling, facial glopping, George-Michaeling, tit enemas, love-trumpeting, turkey-twizzling, rectal truncheons and cock-fisting”, mortified MP announces

Giant mouse.jpgCat secretly despises giant, insolent mouse

New poll: 100% of Ukip voters find stupid racism “volcanically arousing”

Iraq War fans to hold world’s largest Troops-In rally ahead of third sequel’s release

Unbelievable Disgrace

Outrage was mounting last night as The Rat phoned various permanently-whining bellends and asked them to say that they were very angry indeed.

Opposition politicians were quick to denounce, angrily demanding answers.  “This is absolutely unacceptable”, Scottish Conservative leader Ruth Davidson said.  “It beggars belief that this kind of thing can happen in the modern age”.  

The Taxpayers’ Alliance echoed her call, calling the situation “Unbelievably disgraceful” and “Despicably horrifying”.

“After my son was murdered twice by a Romanian homosexual, I have been campaigning relentlessly”, Dad-of-four Angus Twitch said.  “This kind of thing just brings further grief to me and my family”.
CIA defends secret anti-terrorist ass-fucking programme

John Brennan, the director of the CIA, has spoken out in defence of the agency’s post-9/11 ass-fucking programme.

Speaking at CIA headquarters, Brennan insisted that the agency “did a lot of things right” and that the seven-year secret sodomisation scheme “provided useful intelligence”.

Conceding that some CIA officers used “abhorrent” ass-pounding techniques, Brennan continued to argue that it was “unknowable” whether the agency needed to aggressively penetrate the anuses of at least 39 detainees between 2002 and 2007.

“Our reviews indicate that the detention and ass-fucking program helped protect the United States, thwart attack plans, capture terrorists and save lives”, Brennan said.

The Rat says:  We congratulate President Obama for his administration’s impressive work in expanding the number of unjailable Americans.

It’s always been the case that policemen could murder US citizens with absolute impunity from prosecution but before Barack Obama entered the White House, it was inconceivable that anyone could engage in torture, or in multi-billion dollar frauds, without facing the most severe criminal sanctions.

Thanks to President Obama, America is now a land where wealthy and powerful people enjoy absolute freedom to kill and steal without fear of prosecution, while poor and unemployed people will continue to be imprisoned in record-breaking numbers for the most minor of offences.

The Rat says to the President:  Well done, sir.  Truly you are a titan of the progressive cause.
Murphy.jpgMurphy elected Supreme Emperor Dalek of Scottish Labour, vows to exterminate poverty

Cameron.jpgCameron to appease back-benches with “Kill a Migrant Week” policy

Clown.jpgRangers unveil new away strip

Adorable MP still thinks public has “sense of decency & fairness” that can be appealed to

Salmond to run his fucking yap about nothing in London for a change

Alex Salmond has announced that he is to stand for election to Westminster, where he will continue to represent the people of Scotland with his own personal brand of meaningless, vacuous drivel.

The former First Minister,  who led the SNP to victory in two Scottish Parliament elections, said he intended to hold the UK Government to account by continuing to refuse to answer any questions that are put to him and by droning on with thousands of hours of gormless and irrelevant patriotic rah-rah.

“At Westminster, I intend to stick up for Scottish causes and to pursue progressive politics with allies on issues like poverty and international matters, by representing the people of Scotland”, Salmond said.

Asked if there were any issues that he intended to press the new government on, Salmond said: “Scotland needs representatives who will press the new government on the issues that are vitally important to the people of Scotland.

“The SNP is now the largest party in Scotland and I will reflect the concerns of my fellow Scots by reminding this government that Scotland will not stand for policies that harm Scots and the interests of the people of Scotland.  

“Scotland Scotland Scotland”, he added, in his inimitable style.   

Miliband to demand investigation of British collusion in torture over Christmas dinner

Labour leader Ed Miliband has said that he will aggressively pursue full transparency over the UK Government’s involvement in the American torture scandal by asking his brother David about it on Christmas Day.

“The idea that Britain could have been involved in this horrifying torture programme is disgusting and abhorrent”, Miliband said.  “I intend to hold those people who collaborated in these despicable crimes to account, perhaps while I’m spooning some sprouts onto David’s plate, or just after we get started on the port”.


Darius Jedburgh said...

Most amusing Mr Rodent

It doesnt matter who I am said...

that is fucking funny. Like a xxx rated Daily Mash. More please!