Friday, July 25, 2014

The Rat The Rat.png
Knife.jpgCommonwealth Games: Scotland dominant in close-range fencing

Brownlee brothers take Gold, Silver medals in Anal Patriotism

terrier.jpgErra Scottie-Dug

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UK horseshit-money-based economy outstrips global growth - new figures

LONDON - New figures suggest that the UK’s horseshit economy is out-performing the rest of the planet’s dogshit growth rates, creating an unprecedented boom in fantastical industry and phantom money.

The 2008 collapse of the so-called bullshit economy, largely seen as the product of irresponsible lending and professional sharp-practice, had lowered hopes of future economic vitality.  

But today’s announcement by the Bank of England indicates that financial innovation in the new fields of Horseshit Finance and Horseshit Futures is driving unprecedented prosperity.  

“We’ve never seen anything quite like this in London”, said Barney Fister of City firm Grabbit & Bolt. “The booming Horseshit-Money market has finally exorcised the wailing ghost of the catastrophic Bullshit-Money boom of the last decade”.   

“And the best part is, absolutely nothing can go wrong and everyone will just keep getting richer and richer, indefinitely”. Cont page 14
John Barrowman.jpgNigeria protests opening ceremony gay kiss
“It’s not porn if you can’t see it going in”

The Nigerian Government has complained to the UK ambassador after actor John Barrowman took part in a gay kiss in the Commonwealth Games opening ceremony.  
“We understand that the UK is a depraved homosexual society” Culture Minister Akono Lawal said, “So where are all these hot cocks we were told about?  At least a bit of digital penetration, for the love of…”
See “Disappointed Nigerians in Golden Shower plea”, page 14

The Rat says… Who do militant group ISIS think they are, ordering all Iraqi women to be rounded up to undergo genital mutilation?

Obviously, we know they aren’t doing that and that this is a made-up story about a group that is already quite horrifying enough.  But that shouldn’t prevent us from condemning them for it.

The UN bureau for Made-Up Facts has proved beyond doubt that this horror is happening now, even though it isn’t actually happening.

When we stop condemning made-up atrocities, we lose our humanity... and The Rat will never allow that to happen.
Das Vos Alle Ein Dream?
Wilhelm.jpgThe fateful day Kaiser Wilhelm awoke to find Archduke Franz Ferdinand in the shower and realised that the last five years of war never really happened.

Arizona Governor: “Maybe execution by skull-fucking will work”

Live from Glasgow ‘14: Who the fuck are you looking at, eh? Eh?

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How Come Nobody Gets Upset Until You Openly Advocate Killing Lots of People With High-Explosives?
By Jingo Horatio

I’ve been writing this column for years and it’s only recently I’ve noticed that most of my pieces don’t seem to upset people.  Not even the controversial ones…  I guess that I must be an amiable guy.

When I said that Colonel Gadaffi was an evil tyrant who should be stopped, silence.  When I called upon the Iraqi Government to respond forcefully to ISIS extremist militias, nada. And when I said that the Syrian Government was evil, barbaric and murderous… Crickets.

And yet, the very second that I advocate mercilessly bombing 1.7 million human beings with missiles and artillery in an orgy of brutal, terrifying destruction, suddenly everyone gets very upset indeed.

I wonder what the difference is? Perhaps some people are just racist, and think that Scottish parody columnists shouldn’t be allowed to speak? Perhaps they think fictional writers like me should stop penning satirical columns about ludicrously obvious double-standards and hypocrisies in the proclamations of notable public figures?

Or maybe they just think that openly desiring and propagandising for mayhem and murderous violence is in some way wrong or repellent.

I’ll let you decide… But it’s certainly highly suspicious.

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