Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Oh, Jesus

Right, let me settle this daft debate for youse by saying that, not only is Britain a Christian country, but it's the best kind of Christian country.

I saw various wags guffawing up their sleeves yesterday, yukking loudly at the irony of folk denying Britain's Christianity on a religious holiday.  And you know, they did have a point, but not in the way they'd think.

Almost everyone I've known over the years takes full advantage of e.g. Easter as a break from their decidedly ungodly status as slaves of Mammon to immediately hit the bar and indulge in a shocking array of joyfully sinful behaviour.  Drunkenness, fornication, drug abuse, homosexuality and blasphemy are such integral parts of modern British life that a holiday would seem pretty dull without them.

Hell, Christmas these days is just a sappy gift-giving festival where the kids get fun presents, the adults get torn into the sherry, hardly anybody has to go to work and almost everyone gets a lie-in, and ultimately nobody gives a damn about the imperilment of their immortal souls.

And really, you don't even have to be disgusting slob like myself to agree here, whether you spend your spare time hiking up mountains or on the back of a motorbike or just bumming about with the kids, because there ain't nobody up in the church on Sunday except the Poles.  The rest of us are free to get on with it however we choose without getting a lot of condemnatory grief, a relatively recent state of affairs.

This is an excellent and possibly unlikely outcome.  We get all the holidays and the basic, touchy-feely be-nice-to-each-other-dudes moral philosophy, and none of the Hellfire.  I can get right on board with a Christianity that doesn't require sobriety, abstinence, obedience, church attendance or even the faintest trace of actual belief.   

And let's be blunt - we owe Christianity a lot for this situation.  We owe Jesus Christ personally a huge debt for reworking his own wrathful, vengeance-crazed desert deity into a vague instruction to be nice to each other and to treat our fellow man with a minimum of respect.

We're due Catholicism a huge debt, for creating a massive, tottering edifice of corruption and hypocrisy so astoundingly hilarious that popular revolution against its venality was inevitable.  We owe Protestantism even more, for stripping the gospels of every last trace of mystery and uplift, leaving only a glowering, work-based voluntary programme with all the human warmth of a 1960s council car park during an especially cruel November.

The point being, very few of us can possibly take this shit seriously any more, barring perhaps the worst type of scolds and moral flagellants*, and the occasional living saint among us. 

Contrary to what most believers would tell you these days, religious belief in the UK is either indulged as a quaint eccentricity, or nervously petted like an adorable but occasionally snappy Shi-Tzu.   That's fine by me and if the price of it is occasionally indulging a minority hallucination that a nation of shagging, bevvying, preening, cursing infidels represents the triumph of Christian values I say, Hallelujah brother! 

Chuck me a crucifix and crack me open a cold one, so long as I don't have to haul my arse up off the couch.   


*Ironically, since it's David Cameron who sparked this round of poll-humping religiousity, I'd say it's likely that most of the scolds and moral flagellants are going to be Tories.  Even more ironically, the Tory leadership are the worst bunch of Mammon-worshipping, hypocritical, Temple-money-changing floggers of the poor in the country.  Most of the rest of us may be self-indulgent, prideful and slothful, but if Jesus ever comes back waving that flaming sword of vengeance, I'm willing to bet CCHQ will be the first address on his arse-kicking list.

6 comments:

Organic cheseboard said...

IMO the Republican Party would be higher on the hitlist than the Tories.

Some gold on twitter today from the Blairites btw. I can't quite see why the fuss about him doing another relaunch of Himself As Saviour but hey. Martin Bright (now officially in the pay of Blair of course) saying that one of Blair's main ideas is that "Islamism" is not a helpful word.

Now do a google of "Martin bright" and the words islamism and Islamist...

Also of course good to see that Saint Tony thinks that Islam is the main problem in every ME conflict (a talking point nicked from Hirsi Ali it would seem). Funny to see him backing secular dictators in places like Egypt when we went to war with Iraq to remove a secular dictator.

Anonymous said...

"Funny to see him backing secular dictators in places like Egypt when we went to war with Iraq to remove a secular dictator."

Yes, quite. The speech is a mass of contradictions. Blair's line on Syria appears to have shifted in just over two weeks (though without saying so, of course).

Guano

levi9909 said...

I don't know how Twitter works in terms of showing a user what's "trending" but mine is showing me the following under "London trends":


#HappyBirthdayShakespeare Promoted
#MeetTheVampsTour
#HappyStGeorgesDay
#1MillionCoinGiveAway
#proudtobeenglish
#Shakespeare450th
Belgium
TOTS
Tony Blair
England

-------
Clicking on Tony Blair I don't see one favourable tweet. Some are simply factual as in, "Blair makes speech" or somesuch but have a look:
https://twitter.com/search?q=%22Tony%20Blair%22&src=tren

I don't think it's tailored to my own follows or tweets because I have just scrolled all the way down to 5 hours ago and Mehdi Hassan is the first one I've seen who I actually follow.

Should I feel encouraged by the fact that you actually have to go on a Blairite hunt to find one like Organic Cheeseboard did? Or is it tilted to the user?

flyingrodent said...

Good news, folks - it turns out that Tony isn't just saying that he's so gung-ho for killing all the Islamists that we're going to have to get rid of whatever passes for democracy throughout the region.

Actually, it was all a cunning scheme to expose the Tories' hypocrisy:

http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2014/apr/23/tony-blair-middle-east-speech-spur-action?CMP=twt_gu

I suggest that there are less insane ways of exposing the Tories' hypocrisy than demanding a merciless onslaught throughout the Middle East but then, I don't possess Tony's fierce moral clarity, not his firm grasp of religious matters.

Some gold on twitter today from the Blairites btw.

If you've ever seen Erik The Viking, Tony's fans have all very reminiscent of Terry Jones loudly proclaiming that Hibrazil is not sinking as he disappears beneath the waves.

flyingrodent said...

Funny to see him backing secular dictators in places like Egypt when we went to war with Iraq to remove a secular dictator.

The point I always make about Tony's foreign policy pronouncements is that he hasn't got more extreme or forgotten any supposed principles.

He was always exactly this crazy, and his craziness was always as obvious as it is today. It's just that ten years ago, this type of wackadoodle lunacy was universally believed to be "a moderate stance against extremism" or "centrism", and angrily defended as such.

flyingrodent said...

In lieu of further comment, I recommend this as a good precis on Tony's madcap arguments...

http://www.septicisle.info/?q=/2014/04/a-dangerous-melanie-phillips.html