Wednesday, March 19, 2014

The Panda Pen

Watching Telegraph bloggers beg and plead for some war over Crimea, just a little bit of war, or maybe some harsh sanctions, or just harsh language at a pinch, or a pillow fight...  Well, I can't get enough of it.

It's like having a live feed into the keepers' office next to the panda pen at Edinburgh Zoo.  They pipe Marvin Gaye records into the animals' enclosure; they feed Tian-Tian oysters with a powdered rhino horn side-salad; they show Yanguang hardcore XXX panda porn films and shovel viagra-flavoured bamboo down his neck by the half-ton.  They pray and will them on and hope and strive.

And still, after all the cajoling and massaging and stimulating, the pandas will not fuck, and instead sit around chewing absent-mindedly, crapping everywhere.  The keepers, defeated, heave a sigh and get back to work.

True, I've never seen a Telegraph columnist conclude that the pandas won't go at it because they're weak and cowardly but then just like zookeepers, they're always willing to give it another try next year.


1 comment:

Andrew King said...

You could have quite a lot of fun armchair general-ing in the Torygraph bloggers’ comments. For example, I’m just looking at this piece on where the Russian oligarchs like to stash their cash. Simply point out that the UK already has military bases in Cyprus and pwns the British Virgin Islands (or would do if we weren’t so star-struck by the tax-dodgers, plutocrats and dictators whose money is taking a well-earned rest in its exclusive holiday banks).

Suggest dispatching a couple of task forces (code named “Task Force Club Med” and “Task Force Royal Caribbean”, or something) and hit the beaches of Cyprus and the BVIs with every qualified accountant who’s currently playing soldiers in the Territorial Army of a weekend.

Then sit back enjoy the cognitive dissonance as the jingoistic urge to tweak the bear’s tail struggles with horror at the socialist spectre of big government assaulting the Barclay brothers’ offshore piggy bank.

Fun for all the family.