It is certain Rangers will fight to remain in the Scottish Premier League. It is equally certain that they will face bitter opposition . That opposition, though, it seems to me, is not a united phalanx singing from the same hymn sheet. - Herald Sport, 19th June
Quail, ye mortals, before the might of legendary commentator Archie MacPherson's mixed metaphors and misguided analogies. You won't find any bigger fish around the corner on the mean streets of, uh, football punditry.
It's a sensational piece, quite possibly the most confused analysis of anything at all that I've ever read. I urge you to click the link and give the article a quick scan, so that you can appreciate it in its full grandeur.
Truly, Archie has hit the nail on the nose here, for the other SPL sides most definitely are not an ancient battle formation composed of spearmen in ordered ranks, simultaneously singing a number of different Christian devotional songs, behind the protection of a defensive shield wall.
We should hope not, at a time when Sky Sports is watching their deliberations with interest - a "hovering presence" and yet not an "unethical intruder" - in the hope that Scottish football will be its "hod-carrier". Archie cautions those who wish to play "hardball" with Sky to bring an alternative "business plan", and rightly so!
After all, who in their right mind would try to play baseball with a levitating broadcaster that wants our national game to carry bricks on its behalf, without a back-up entrepreneurial proposition?
Though if anyone should attempt it and succeed, such a person would surely be able to sell Sky Sports property in the failed 17th century Scottish colony of Darien.
Yet, there are those who fail to heed Archie's words of wisdom - incautious souls embarked upon a "Salem"-esque witchhunt not unlike the American "Tea Party" movement, which stops short of becoming Obama-hating "Birthers" yet closely resembles...
"...Storm-troopers who, like some disbelievers in the Australian public over the dingo/baby case even forty years hence, will steadfastly not believe a word coming out of Ibrox".
...Thus proving that a "diverse army" composed of "battalions" of doubtful German WWI shock troops, is besieging the "proscenium arch" of Rangers' stadium by invoking the "Corinthian ideal", wherein new owner Charles Green "soliloquises" like Hamlet from "the ramparts of Elsinore".
All of which confuses our noble pundit, who is already struggling to keep track of the "chimera-like" shape-shifting of Rangers FC's corporate identity, which is very like "being asked to divine for water in the Sahara".
Seriously, read it - I'm barely exaggerating here. On the way to his uncertain conclusion, Archie also manages to misunderstand F. Scott Fitzgerald's "No second acts in American life" quote and wrongly identify the chimera as a shape-shifter, rather than the traditional Lion-fronted, goat-bodied and snake-tailed conception of the mythical beast.
Everybody likes Archie, a senior statesman of the game, so I'm not going to put the boot in too brutally. Nonetheless, since the main thrust of his piece is that a) the Rangers FC situation is very confusing and complicated and that b) we shouldn't rush to judgement, I'll just ask...
Did Archie's article leave you any further forward?
Okay, here, let me give you a recap, to clarify matters.
Rangers FC are a rapidly and continually metamorphosising football club engaged in a play of many acts, owned by Hamlet in Denmark, and trying to work out what's going on within the theatre that is their stadium is like trying to find water in the desert.
MEANWHILE, people who are angry about Rangers FC's deeds are like battalions of ancient spear-carrying German storm-troopers who are singing motley Christian hymns and doubting historical Australian murder verdicts, while trying to play baseball with a powerful business entity that wants football to lug bricks but doesn't want to intrude.
AND SO, if this witch-hunting army, marching under a banner of sporting integrity, fails to offer a plausible alternative sales package, then it seems very unlikely that Sarah Palin will be able to sell land in 17th century Panama to Sky Sports.
Because there are many acts in Scottish football life. You see?
Well, I'm quite willing to answer questions, if there are any parts that are still hazy.