Uh wis thinkin the other night, that cunt David Starkey an ays greetin pus on Newsnight? What a loaday shite ay wis talkin, greetin aboot how aw the blacks huv made the whites dae such a such. What dis he ken, fae Cambridge an that? Ay widnae know ays arse fae a fuckin hole in the ground, if ay wis dropped on a random high street fae Tranent tae Tollcross.
Ah mean, ah've got a degree in English an ah dinnae talk like David Starkey, wi ays flames lambent an aw that pish.
Ah cannae be daein wi the fucker, if ahm bein honest. English history means fuck aw tae me, just a loaday posh bastards fannyin aboot an killin each other fur nae reason ah can see. Nae doot some Oxbridge jokers want tay hear aboot Henry the Eighth an ays epic quest fir mair pussy an nae hassle an a new religion tae boot, but ah cannae be daein wi it.
If it wis up tae me, that Starkey widnae huv a job - it'd be aw modern history wi its Abraham Lincolns and Robespierres an Lenins an Garibaldis an Oliver Cromwells, showin they royal bastards what happens when ye bugger aboot wi the man in the street.
Now folks, that's how I'd talk to my brother, playing pool on a Tuesday night, were he to develop a sudden and miraculous desire to discuss politics. You all understand me fine as Mr. Polysyllabic giving it hee-haw about President Obama or Bashar Al-Assad, so I'm going to assume I can communicate... okay, in print.
Am I some kind of dolt, just because my patter isn't instantly recognisable nationwide? Do digits drop off my IQ because I talk some unintelligible heathen lingo that Cambridge graduates find bizarre?
Ah dinnae think so. Maybe the kids of London are unemployable and ineducable because of their funky, new-fangled patois. I might not like to employ some teenagers babbling their own wee teen language, if I wanted to sell to the general public.
Or, maybe some people have a fondness for wild overstatement. I throw it out there, for consideration.
Update!: I've been Googling for that Zoe Heller quote about the teacher being impressed by the working class kid, "like a gorilla just stumbled out of the jungle and asked for a gin and tonic". Can't find it, even though I know it's in there. It's a beauty.