Friday, August 26, 2011

Awesome Decontextualised Violence

Short fights!  Let's face it, the movie's dragging on and we know the protagonists hate each other's guts - why would they pole-vault around the place Wu-style waving bendy swords at each other, or firing a bajillion bullets and missing?  Luke - I am your father.  Shut up and have his hand off, won't you?

For credibility, you want the hero's life on the line in a no-holds barred, die-bastard deathgrip fight to the death.  Drama!  Entertainment is supposed to be gripping, white-knuckle stuff and I've never seen a real fight that lasted longer than thirty seconds.

In that enobling spirit, let's count off the best short fights in cinematic history that I can think of on the spot.  First up...

Martin Blank vs. Felix LaPoubelle, Grosse Point Blank

Hitman Martin enjoys a moment of quiet nostalgia, then suddenly - Whap! Whap, slap, whap, Slap! (Wham, thud!) Thump, grunt, crash! Whap, gurgle, crunch (click) snick! (Gurgle). 

Chingachgook vs. Magua, Last of the Mohicans

Chingachgook sees psycho crater-face Magua knock off his first-born, and loses the rag.  Swish, Fucko! (Crack!)  Bam! Splat! (Glower!)  Splutch!  (Thud!) 

Aragorn vs. Lurtz, Fellowship of the Ring

The heir of Elendil has shit to be getting on with, and orcs are just getting in the way.  Bam! Whing-ching Slam!  (Growl!)  Wham, thud (Growl!)  Stab!  Bam, thud, fucko!  (Roar!)  Ching, clang, clang, clang, clang, clang, clang, slice Splutch!  (Roar!)  Whack! (Thud).

I would've included one or two from Zatoichi, but most of them were a bit too short.

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