Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Will You Start The Fans, Please!

Humour me in a flight of fancy here, while I explain why the most eerily accurate metaphor for modern British politics is The Crystal Maze, the now-defunct Channel Four game show.

Think about it - a bunch of over-enthusiastic, deeply unfashionable specky types are made to perform a series of inane and infuriating tasks, while their colleagues shout instructions at them in hectoring tones.

Jammed into a claustrophobic room with a map of the British Isles and told to construct a feasible economic policy, the bewildered contestant plays with a calculator, pushes some pencils around, scratches his head in exasperation and shouts, "I can't see what I've got to do!". 

"You need to put those invalids in the workplace!" shouts the pudgy bank clerk, while the beanpole social worker reckons they probably need to ring-fence those nurses.

Richard O'Brien is the press, of course, rolling his eyes and mugging up to the camera to show what a great drag the whole affair is, before sternly warning the contestant that he has thirty seconds to crack down on single mothers, or he'll be locked in.

The ultimate aim of the game is to accumulate enough points to be allowed into the Crystal Dome, wherein the contestants must jump about like fannies on TV for the entertainment of the viewer, frantically trying to grab enough bits of paper to claim a win.

Meanwhile, Channel Four rake in the advertising revenue until an increasingly bored audience tire of the ridiculous spectacle and the show is cancelled in favour of a series called Wife Swap, in which the nation can laugh at a council estate mum struggling to work out how to turn on an aga in fucking Kent.

I don't know, I could have that wrong.  Maybe it's more like The Apprentice, in which a bunch of insufferable twunts stand on each other's faces in the hope of winning a crumb of praise from a Croesus-rich tycoon, while the nation turns to Facebook to argue over which contestant they hate the most.

Hell, maybe I meant Footballer's Wives.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Very good indeed