Monday, November 22, 2010

The World's Stupidest Song Contest

It takes a special talent to record a truly stupid song.  To qualify, a track needs to demonstrate an awesome level of stupidity on a number of levels.

1) Musically, the song must be the most artless, lumbering, chuntering pile of farting drivel imaginable.  The most cretinous song has to sound like it was slung together by a pissed orangutan disinterestedly smashing a synthesiser. 

Songs that make heavy use of samples are generally perfect for this, since an original work always requires a basic act of invention.  Hideous rock bollocks like, say, anything by fuck-awful, comedy-masked shite-merchants Mudvayne, may be astonishingly tone deaf, blundering arse, but they still had to think up some guitar riffs and so on.

2) It's imperative that the lyrics are the most offensively tossed-off ramble of random verbiage, conveying maximum contempt for the listener. Ideally, it should be impossible to divine any point or theme, although songs about liking sex, shooting coppers or just generally being big and tough often qualify. 

Thus, Human by the Killers would qualify for its meaningless, angst-ridden "Are we human/Or are we dancer" lyric, particularly because it led to much debate about its meaning.  Is there something profound we're all missing?  Well, let's end that debate right now - it goes like that because the singer shoved it in as a stopgap in rehearsal, and couldn't be arsed to change the stupid bits later.

3) Finally - and most importantly! - the artist must be completely oblivious to the stupidity of his or her track.  Given that musicians are seldom renowned for their intellectual prowess, this throws the competition wide open across almost all eras and genres, although obviously '80s hair-farming heavy metal has an advantage.

So, without further ado, let's introduce the first contender. 

Bound 4 Da Reload was released in 2000 by Oxide & Neutrino and immediately shot to the top of the UK singles chart.  As perhaps the most brainless and inane release to come out of the mainstreaming of UK garage - itself, one of the most cretinous music scenes ever to emerge in this country - it instantly and proudly announced itself as one of the stupidest songs of the decade, and is a strong contender for The World's Stupidest Song contest.

It's difficult to know where to start - insofar as there's actually something musical going on in there, it's just the theme tune from Casualty with a couple of ripped-off samples from well-known eighties hip hop sticking out of its anus, and some irrelevant dialogue from a Guy Ritchie film wedged in like a Wotsit up a toddler's nostril.  Lyrically...

Bound 4 the bound bound 4 the reload/Bound 4 the bound bound 4 the reload/Bound 4 the bound bound 4 the reload/Bound 4 the bound bound 4 the reload (repeat)

...It's an inspired tour de force of slack-jawed, meaningless gibberish, like your fourteen-year old nephew mumbling over BBC One on a wet Tuesday night.  It's particularly difficult to work out whether the artists created such a hilarious mish-mash of unrelated nonsense intentionally, or because they got bored halfway through recording it and just shoved in whatever was on telly that night. 

To misquote Patches O'Houlihan in Dodgeball, it sounds exactly like a pack of retards trying to fuck a doorknob. 

If I'd been asked to guess at the title, I'd have assumed it was called Like, Some Wicked Beats, And Shit.  If I'd been asked to film the video, I'd definitely have had the band standing in a shitty club, looking bad-ass into the middle distance, which is what they actually did.

Ladies and gents, your first contender for the title of World's Stupidest Song.  If you can find a band taking a song this stupid as seriously as they do, you'll be doing well.

Further nominations to follow between now and Christmas; particularly good suggestions may be considered for entry.

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