So, the spending review. The nation expected a savage round of cuts to public services, but surely few expected to witness a cavalcade of thick-jowled chumps joyfully manhandling themselves to issue while some kind of gangling, pallid android hurled half a million people out of their jobs.
Watching the cavorting mess on the Tory benches was truly a throwback to the early days of parliamentary broadcasts on TV, when the public discovered that what had for decades sounded like a gaggle of half-pissed manchildren belching alcohol fumes across the aisle was, in fact, precisely that.
Anyway, what are the likely effects of today's festivities? After all, while the backbenches clearly had a lot of fun arsing around like toddlers after too much fizzy pop during the Chancellor's ludicrously poor attempt at feigned regret, there's reality to consider. Take those in Moray who found out yesterday that the closure of RAF Kinloss is about to frag local business to smithereens - what comfort for these hard working British citizens, tragic victims of straitened times, in the budget?
Well, like all the other unfortunates bombed out of work in the budget, they've walked right into a crackdown on welfare. Of course, I can understand why that is. Sending a government official to half a million doors to tell citizens to Go Fuck Themselves in person would have been expensive.
The news is just as bad for those already made jobless by the financial crisis, of course, who are about to be joined in the queue for MacJobs by hundreds of thousands of experienced and qualified men and women1. Hopefully none of them fall ill while they're looking for jobs, unless they enjoy state-mandated rectal cavity searches.
Still, the news isn't all bad. As George Osborne himself has said, cutting government expenditure will create space for several million jobs to be created by the Magical Ponies of Fuckadoodle. I paraphrase, but the meaning is the same.
I foresee good news on the job creation front, mind. Demand for debt collection agents and bailliffs is about to go through the roof, while anyone working in the divorce courts will make a mint. The budget would be a license to print money if you're in marriage or alcohol counselling, were it not for the fact that the government expects such services to be provided by the milk of human kindness.
In the wider world, I see that a series of Britain's most fabulously wealthy businessmen have all publicly popped great, waggly woodies for the coalition's plans. The country's right wing press are already hard at work convincing the public that this shit is actually Shinola. You have to wonder why the hard-working Briton's finances remain in such a parlous state, with such powerful allies batting for their interests.
Anyway, all of this is evidence of the great truth of politics - Motherfuckers gotta learn, again and again and again. No doubt there are large numbers of people who voted Tory or Lib Dem in anticipation of an entirely ideological assault on the public sector, based upon market principles that have just been graphically blasted into space-dust by the financial crisis, an epic explosion of neo-liberal fuckery that left pretty much every major proponent of right-wing political orthodoxy standing in the street with their hairy knackers swinging in the wind.
Those people no doubt believe that, since the institutions they've placed all their faith in have produced such gigantic piles of toxic shit, there must be a radioactive pony in there somewhere. To everyone else who marked their X next to the local angry, disapproving Tory hausfrau or toothsome Lib Dem closet case, I imagine this might be a bit of an eye-opener. I mean, survey after survey comes back shouting that the public want the tackety boot of the state to kick everyone else up the arse. Those that voted for crackdowns on lazy civil servants, mooching immigrants or hoody bairns are about to find that when they voted for death to the undeserving, the undeserving was them.2
The analogue is right there over the pond, where millions of people are about to stream to the polls to vote for a New American Revolution against the nation's Wealthy Elites by voting for... The Republicans. I'm not making this shit up. This marks, by my recollection, the third time in thirty years that this has happened. 3
Like I say, Motherfuckers gotta learn. Education is the key to understanding, and the school bell is ringing.
1 I predict there may be drastic cuts in staffing at Lib Dem offices throughout the country too, before long.
2 See The Torygraph the day after the restrictions on child benefit was announced. Hilarious stuff.
3 Newsflash - American states aren't being forced to sell roads and parking meters to sheiks because the President is a Commie.