Thursday, May 06, 2010

The Inevitable Election Live Blog

Well, that's your lot for the evening. My guess? The Tories are going to grab enough seats to start bitching for Number Ten, but nowhere near enough to prevent an avalanche of bullshit that's going to horrify the electorate. Same as everyone else.

03.20: Paxman reckons talks have already begun between Labour and the Lib Dems. Me, I reckon they should just fuck and get it over with, because the rest of us are a bit bored.

03.05: 319 votes for Colin Fox - brutal, for a former MSP. Alistair Darling remains with his massive eyebrows, obvious sexual deviancies and wilted, stilted dialogue.

03.00: Looked down to listen to myself on the radio (used to think I sounded a bit rough and ready, now disabused) and looked up to see Cameron declaring victory like a deranged and fleshy C3-PO. Maybe, and who knows?

02.14: Looks like the Lib Dems are stuggling... That looks bad for a Labour/Liberal coalition and rather makes it look like we might wind up with an angry Tory minority forming their own weedy little parliamentary Death Star, then sending it drifting around the country ineffectually trying to blast public spending with their puny space lasers. Time will tell.

01.56: Politics is? I'm an English graduate, as well.

01.50: But of course, Brown did come across like a pissed and confused Bagpuss. Politics are a cruel mistress.

01.39:
Gordon Brown holds Mrs. Rodent's constituency, unsurprisingly - miners and heavy industry workers who got fucked like Ron Jeremy's co-stars in the 1980s. Cowdenbeath high street is now a long run of charity and pound shops, off-licences, bookies and the odd ailing local business, a long way from what it was before external forces deliberately shot the town in the back of its head twenty years ago. The loyalty they've shown for Brown is touching and tragic, and the former PM's speech was more panegyric for New Labour and his own career than an acceptance. It's a shit way for what was once an excellent MP for a loyal constituency to sign off, it if turns out that way.

01.18: Hurrah! Alistair Campbell on television. Direct quote, when asked whether Labour should try to form a coalition with the Lib Dems, responds "I'm a hideous, duplicitous freak of a man who would be subject to forced chemical experiments in a world that was true and just". That's the message I picked up, anyway.

01:16: Jeremy Vine giving it some kind of wussy Morpheus-in-the-Matrix kind of What if there was a shift of six percent to the Bollocks Party dance on a virtual reality dancefloor. Better if he just started throwing kung-fu shapes and asked Do you think that's air you're breathing?

12.57: Even I feel sorry for Northern Ireland's FM Peter Robinson, defeated by the Lib Dems' ingenious strategy of not looting the Treasury and trying to keep your hard-shagging, adulterous fundie spouse out of the tabloids.

12.46:Mrs. Rodent off to bed - hardcore pornography break.

12.20:
BBC Scotland following Gordon Brown's car, which hasn't crashed, broken down, caught fire, been hit by a derailed train, been shot at or called any grannies a bigot as yet. Does this bode well for the evening?

11.52: Of course, if Brown had called a snap election when Blair left, this could all have been avoided. Plus, if the Telegraph had any sense, they'd have left the expenses scandal until about March 2010.

11.45: What the fuck is up with all the UKIP candidates? All the ones they've shown so far look like sexually-retired lunatics with faces made of badly-sewn and roughly-chafed scrotum skin.

11.26: Labour lead by two! Mind you, Hibs were 6-2 up on Motherwell last night and were lucky not to get beat, so anything could happen.

10.49: They're reporting people have been turned away after queueing to vote. Not really a problem, since anyone who can't get it together to be at the polling station by 10pm was probably going to vote Natural Law anyway.

10.30: David Mundell (Tory): "People want change... They don't want to hear the same old arguments". Give that man a fucking banana.

10.27: The original was better. No Robert Shaw, USS Indianapolis, drinking to legs, firing an M1 at a moving shark or requirement for larger naval vessels etc. in this one.

10.20: Douglas Alexander looks like the Penguin from Batman on heavy tranquilisers and squeezed into a suit. Nicola Sturgeon's hair-helmet looks as well-fastened as ever, and should offer her complete protection from any falling lighting rigs.

10.15: They're interviewing young Tories on the BBC. That's young Tories in Scotland, without audible gunfire - God help us all.

10.10: There'll be a short interview with me about Decency and the election on Resonance FM at some point between now and half-three. I dread to think how it'll come out - I rub people up the wrong way in person, when they have the chance to interrupt me and call me on my crap. I did manage to call Tony Blair a "fork-tongued bullshitter", which may put the panel's backs up.

10.05: Exit polls suggest Con:307 Lab:255 LD:58, or a hung parliament in other words. I'll give you my expert analysis once Jaws 2 finishes.

09.40: Jesus, that Channel Four Come Dine With Me is like a Ricky Gervais script about a gaggle of insufferable pricks trying to outwanker each other in a cock factory.

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