Shorter right wingers - We must counter the BNP's hysterical, racist fearmongering by stemming the unstoppable tidal wave of grasping foreigners that threatens to swamp our country, choke our cities and overwhelm our public services.
Shorter left wingers - We must counter the BNP's threat of racist persecution by coming up with new and inventive publicity wheezes for breaking down doors, dragging away whole families in dawn raids and interning them or sending them back into warzones.
Top notch internet comedy from left and right recently with this Nick Griffin on Question Time nonsense. For a start, it's been an interesting insight into how Britain's Nazi party has been slyly exploiting some of the prevailing bullshit myths that seem to pass for logical argument in our national press. Additionally, I've been laughing long and hard at their obliviousness to their own political status.
Remember, the BNP are basically the prison bitches in the showers of British politics, forever gullibly bending over to pick up the slippery soap of electoral success. They're lanced from the left to terrify Labour's distrustful supporters into submission, and rammed from the right to make the Tories' belligerent, small-minded hatreds look comparatively reasonable. Meanwhile, the press plays the guard who's been bribed to ignore the sexually enraged bellowing and the gruesome, piggy squeals.
It's an arrangement which suits everyone except, perhaps, the voters who have to witness the whole sorry charade. Nonetheless, having had a run-in with one of their supporters recently, I thought it'd be worth typing up a few points in a post I can link to in future.
The BNP represent the "white working class".
Of all the national myths around the BNP, I think this is their favourite. Note the easy elision between "some working class white people" and "the white working class" and you've basically fragged their bullshit instantaneously - after all, every one of the main parties picks up more working class votes than they do, and frequently do so in elections that actually matter. Plus, you'd think that with the theoretical support of such a large demographic, they'd have done better than two representatives at the European Parliament, but hey ho.
And of course, there's the small matter that Griffin himself is a Cambridge graduate, and that their leaked membership list is not exactly bulging with coal miners and steel workers. It's one thing to be ticked off for posho, elitist contempt for the working man by a rough-handed, plain-spoken son of toil, and quite another to get the same crap from people who pull down twice your annual salary.
Still, it's a commonly-cited point that the BNP are some kind of workers' revolt against metropolitan elitism. Weak support for the notion exists in the fact that the last two big fucknut race-baiting movements in Britain - Enoch Powell's Merrie Band and the National Front - were also largely working class phenomena.
On the other hand, both the British Union of Fascists and the German Nazi Party were middle class/aristocratic phenomena which would back the thesis that basically, working class people can be plain evil-minded dumbasses too.
The fact that we've got a fifty-year history of British fascist arseholes - mysteriously disappearing while Margaret Thatcher addressed working class Concerns by tossing them out of work and sending in the riot police to break their heads when they got uppity - does quite strongly support the notion that, well, there are about a million fascist arseholes in Britain.
Not to mention the very obvious point that the idea that working class people are inherently racist idiots, just begging to be brainwashed with the most hateful and insane propaganda, is a thoroughly ridiculous insult to working class people themselves.
Every voter is a beautiful, precious snowflake.
All of this Me Humble Caveman, Me Represent Working Man stuff is swallowed uncritically by many left and right wing politicians and papers, who seem to believe that if we would just listen to those Very Real Concerns, we'd be able to swing the cretinous Nazi voter back to reality. This is a politically convenient fiction for right wingers, who basically share the BNP's fist-pounding rage at a similar series of modern, new-fangled bugbears, and is also an artifact of a number of sappy left wingers' desire to be all inclusive and open minded about nakedly fucking stupid ideas.
The idea that everyone is a precious snowflake with entirely valid opinions is, as far as I can tell, a hangover from certain strains of sixties hippiedom. That's why we wound up with all those fuckheads on stilts at those anti-war marches - everyone was too polite to tell them they looked like twats, and that they were on a bloody anti-war march.
Well, it's now bled into right wing discourse too, and we're all the poorer for it. Few would contend that we should consider the feelings of 9/11 Truthers or militant Islamists on the future of British democracy, but when it comes to the type of loony who thinks the nation's problems will be solved by emptying the country of black people and Asians, then Whoah! Everybody, put on your Serious Faces and prepare to show some hardcore Respect!
It's bollocks, of course. Truthers are Truthers, and Nazi morons are Nazi morons. As a nation, we should listen to their Concerns only so far as it gives us the opportunity to politely invite them to fuck off with great gales of public derision ringing in their ears.
The Concerns! The Very Real Concerns!
Let's be blunt - the Very Real Concern of BNP voters is that there are too many blacks and Asians in Britain. Since no party with a genuine chance of power can propose either a) repatriation or b) a crackdown on white people shagging their ethnic minority partners, without then being strafed, bombed and obliterated at the ballot box, there is no point whatsoever in trying to address BNP voters' Concerns.
And yes, this means that British Nazis have no chance of serious representation in Parliament. Welcome to the world British Commies, Yogic fliers, religious fundamentalists, hardline libertarians and any other variety of crank has inhabited for the last century, and boo fucking hoo for you. Myself, I want to live in a post-scarcity leisure Utopia where all the work is done by machines, but you don't hear me getting all blubbery about the sad lack of sci-fi Parliamentarians.
BNP voters aren't racist - they're just alienated.
Ha ha, yes, very good... And UKIP voters don't hate the EU, Green voters aren't environmentalists and SNP voters are English nationalists. If a political party is primarily known for their Nazi lunatic tendencies, what possible basis could we have for concluding that people who vote for them are racist? The very thought!
Nonetheless, let's assume it's true, and BNP voters are just making a point. They're showing their displeasure by voting for Nazis, often with the result that they get Nazi councillors. These are people willing to burn their own neighbourhoods down in a fit of pique; electoral toddlers, red-faced, squeaming and squeaming on the floor of the bus, and they deserve the same level of respect.
I'm a great believer in learning through experience - I say, let 'em watch while their new Nazi councillors find providing public services a little tougher than shoving shit through a Pakistani shopkeeper's letterbox or baseball-batting Asian teenagers.
If there's one party capable of making a bigger cock of governance than the mainstream parties, it's the BNP, and anyone stupid enough to vote for Nazi fuckwits deserves to be represented by Nazi fuckwits.
That applies to us all, voters - if we know what we want and tick a box for it, then we all deserve to get it good and hard.
Really, I could go on in this vein almost indefinitely, but I'll save it for now. My basic point is that this non-stop avalanche of obvious bullshit isn't going to stop until it ceases to suit absolutely everyone involved barring us. Sadly, I think the British electoral system will be able to absorb a lot more fascist bollocks and scaremongering about the same before anyone in a position to change the situation recognises how utterly poisonous this crap is and says so publicly.
Well, if nothing else, we've always got football, unhealthy foods and Modern Warfare 2 coming out at the end of next month...