Tuesday, July 21, 2009

I Don't Mean To Be Rude, But Surely We Can Resolve Our Differences Without Anyone's Daughters Getting Stabbed Or Shot
By Nicholas II, Emperor and Autocrat of All the Russias

Gentlemen, I really must object to your behaviour in the strongest possible terms.

Some might say that it is impolite to rouse a man from his slumber at such an ungodly hour; others, that enticing him and his family into a chilly basement on false pretences is simple bad manners.

While the Empress consort may have had cause of late to chide the Emperor for his stuffy and old fashioned ways, one feels that one is quite within one's rights to state that your execution of one's servants and one's personal doctor with revolvers is, frankly, downright rude.

I can see that you are somewhat excited. I appreciate that you are acting upon the orders of your superiors, and that any decision on your part to forgo the immediate perforation of the royal party with bullets and bayonets may cause you significant inconvenience.

Nonetheless, we are all gentlemen here. As men of reason, surely we can resolve our differences without anyone's daughters getting stabbed or shot.

Oh - ah, I see. Well, the majority of them, in that case.

Perhaps I can appeal to your better natures. As Emperor of All the Russias, one has on occasion been presented with difficult choices, and one has always attempted to follow the urgings of one's conscience towards leniency and mercy, especially as regards the ever-thorny issue of firing large quantities of hot lead into the offspring of one's political enemies. Why, I recall addressing this very matter with Guchkov of the Oktobrists of the Third Duma -

By God... My good man, I can assure you that there is no need for - well, really.

Why, bless me - it appears that the Grand Duchess's pendant - an especially sturdy and grandiose accoutrement, although I might say somewhat gaudy - has somehow contrived to deflect the murderous projectile, thus saving -

Oh.

You gentlemen really are a most objectionably impulsive rabble, if you don't mind my saying so...

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