Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Liveblogging The Inauguration

11.06am (EST) By God, I had no idea puffer jackets and daft hats were in fashion stateside. I'm going to have to buy a new wardrobe for my next visit, all I've got is last year's corduroy and split-crotch pants.

11.10am They're quite tasteful split-crotch pants, mind, nothing tacky.

11.17am The former presidents are here! Jimmy Carter looks like somebody stuck a pair of Mr. Potato Head eyes into a block of wrinkled Spam then told it a good joke. Bill Clinton looks like he's getting younger, if anything. I don't know how he does it... I suspect that, in the Clintons' attic, there's a fine painting of Bill that seems to get a few more blowjobs from a tubby intern with each passing day.

11.18am George Bush the First hasn't vomited on any Japanese Prime Ministers yet, which is a bonus.

11.33am They're playing Hail To The Chief for George W. now. I'd hoped they'd go for something more appropriate, like Bring Your Daughter To The Slaughter.

Good on old W., he's really been quite good about this whole transition thing. I fully expected him to accidentally set himself on fire or get his head stuck in an elephant or something.

11.44am Damn, some blow-dried closet case is grinding out the Jesus stuff now. Screw this, I'm putting on Pro Evolution Soccer 2009.

That was never offside, ref!

11.55am Aretha Franklin bashes out an insolent rendition of God Save The Queen, which is ironic when you consider that this entire affair is basically an act of gross treason against the British Crown. They'll be laughing on the other side of their traitorous faces when the Revenue show up to demand 230-odd years in unpaid taxes, I'll tell you that.

12.00pm Obama fluffs his lines! He rambles about protecting the US Constitution, when I believe he intended to announce that he would enslave the Americas under the bloodstained flag of Alqaedastan. That's a major gaffe.

12.05pm Habeus Presidentam! I hope they get Obama a little Popemobile he can bang about in, that would be great. He could roar up and down Pennsylvania Avenue in it mooning tourists and there wouldn't be a thing they could do about it.

12.23pm Well, BBC News thinks it was a great speech, brilliantly received. I wouldn't know, I was looking at pictures of fat girls' bottoms on fatgirlsbottoms.com.

Well, I guess that wraps it up, and everything's going to be fine from now on. Like Tony Blair always used to say, "things can only get better", and I agree - I'm especially looking forward to the part where the new President leads the fighter attack on the alien mothership.

Aim for the big green gun thing on the underside, Barack!

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