Saturday, December 27, 2008

Saccharine Moment At The End Of The Film

Dave Osler was listing his heroes earlier this month, and it struck me as a good excuse to spank out an easy post on the matter. It particularly appealed to me since my modus operandi is to pick something I don't like then launch into a wordy rant on how shit it is.

Being a raving egomaniac, it's not easy for me to choose people I admire, but let's crack on....

World of Arseing About On-Camera

Clint - the definition of "grizzled", but fuck me - what a body of work that is; the joyfully barking Terry Gilliam, and everyone involved in the production of Children of Men. A barbarous list, but cinema isn't really my thing - I hate it, in fact. Being herded in like cows to watch 45 minutes of adverts, before being shown some half-assed, thrown-together Hollywood bullshit - not my thing.

World of Running About Like a Dick

The totally obvious Hitler-affronting Jesse Owens; twinkle-toed why-doesn't-everybody-play-like-that genius Henrik Larsson; Studied-To-Death chess monomaniac Jose Raul Capablanca; Euro trophy-winning, gag-cracking smartarse and all-round good bloke Gordon Strachan; Demi-God Czech football messiah Lubomir Moravcik; Dedicated, deceased ginger midfield dynamo Tommy Burns. (Yes, Celtic-heavy, what did you expect?)

World of Banjo-Twanging

Greatest living Scotsman and bass supremo Jack Bruce; Top-notch geezer, average-song-writer and screamtastic noise-merchant Dave Grohl; rock collossus Josh Homme; Singed, twang-happy string-plucker Django Reinhardt; Holst; Crack-hungry growler Mark Lanegan; Dead Clash frontman Joe Strummer; Mozart; Monocular albino and general nutter David Bowie; Where-The-Fuck-Did-He-Go Jane's Addiction bassist Eric Avery; Oddball, polysyllabic Pavement frontman Steven Malkamus; Lipstick-happy-Jesus-Get-The-Fuck-Away-From-Me mentalist PJ Harvey.

World of Shooty Violence

They-Don't-Make-'Em-Like-That-Any-More WWI Classicist Robert Graves; Ooops, probably a bit of a fascist Roman military genius Germanicus (see also, Graves, above); Propaganda-inflated Nazi-killer Vasily Zaitsev; Sensitive war casualty Wilfred Owen and nation-founding wig-wearer George Washington.

Tha Honeyz

Fragrant, gorilla-humping late-bloomer Naomi Watts; Alien slime-beast fodder Radha Mitchell.

World of Scribbling For Money

You-Should-Read-Lolita-But-Honestly-I'm-Not-A-Paedo multilingual chess-lover Vladimir Nabokov; Gumshoe innovator Raymond Chandler; The racist but excellent Joseph Conrad; Practically the entire staff of The Exile, i.e. my favourite working journalist Matt Taibbi, total bastard but hilarious Mark Ames and weirdo Berkley Russophile John Dolan.

World of Spouting Bullshit For The Entertainment Of Twats

Pete Cook; All at Viz; Monty Yes-I-Know,-It's-Obvious bloody Python; the notorious sex-tourist Hutton, the world-beating brilliance of Richard Pryor.

World Of Dead People

Mong-fucked Roman Emperor Claudius (as related by Graves, above); Sexby, as related by Paul Foot in his book The Vote and definitely not by The Devil's Whore; Spartacus (yes, yawn); So-Crates, dude; Butcher of bastards Saladin.

Update! Oh, and now I come to think of it, Thomas Jefferson. Criminal oversight.

Update 2! It occurs to me that Freddie Mercury should go down in history as the world's most brillaint human being, who spread more joy than any other. I should have known better than to start this off.

I can think of many more, but time and tedium forbid. Anybody I missed?

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