...And what an odd year it's been. In 2008, the British public couldn't decide whether they were more outraged by the police for not beating to death the Packs of Feral Youths That Blight Our Once-Great Nation, or by the criminals who actually were beating to death the Packs of Feral Youths That Blight Our Once-Great Nation...
...It was the year when it finally became apparent that the West's economy was entirely based upon the ruling class's willingness to believe in the literal existence of golden unicorns that shoot rubies out of their eyes and gold bricks out of their arses, leading to massive government investment to shore up the ruby-shooting, gold-shitting unicorn industry...
...And it was a year in which the great and the good leapt to their feet in spirited defence of lowly Georgia, finally opening their mouths to righteously denounce the mighty Russian bastards, before slowly sitting back down, opening their newspapers and pretending they'd never spoken as it emerged that the Russo-Georgian War was a bit more of a level-bastardry field than we had initially been led to believe.
It was an odd one alright, and as a passionate believer in learning our lessons from our forebears, I'd like to review this year's events for posterity... I'll start from this week and work backwards, since that might be easier.
- The month in which Pope Benedict XVI told the world that maybe we shouldn't rush to judgement about this whole homosexuality thing, and announced that he would personally lead a Vatican inquiry into steamy bareback action and those hot, hot cocks;
- After years of bombing and mayhem, the Americans finally brought democracy to the island of Sark;
- Channel Four announced that President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad would give this year's Alternative Christmas Address, in which he will extend the hand of friendship, understanding and will expose all those Zionist lies about the Holocaust.
- In joyful scenes that recall the promise of the American dream, Joe Biden became the 47th white Vice President of the United States.* Americans of every creed and colour were united in joy as Barack Obama was elected the country's first non-asshole President since 1945.
- On Mars, water is found - it is shipped to Earth, where the Coca-Cola Company sells it for £1.49 a bottle under the name Dasani;
- Oliver Stone's George Bush biopic W. opens in cinemas, causing an instantaneous economic crash and mass redundancies. In response, the government implements extreme measures permitting torture and arbitrary detention to maintain order, while the middle east collapses in anarchy.
- Austrian Nazi Jorg Haider demonstrates that far-right, racist politicians can be trusted with responsibility and power by getting pissed up and splattering himself in a massive car smash. Later revelations of homoerotic tendencies are downplayed by a world deeply saddened by the fascist twat's entertaining demise.
- After the assassination of Benazir Bhutto and a fresh attempt on Prime Minister Yousaf Raza Gillani's life, Pakistan admits defeat by opening the world's first Clay Politician-Shooting Range;
- The CERN Large Hadron Collider was turned on, immediately confirming alarmist fears that an explosion of bad jokes about turned-on, throbbing Hadrons could cause the Earth to be consumed by an enormous comedy black hole.
- Evil computer tyrant Skynet sent cyborg swimming-machine Michael Phelps back in time to kill Olympic competitors' gold medal hopes;
- Also at the Beijing Games, in a completely, like, mindblowing development, sources reported that protester Samantha Parkinson was totally on television and everything. Unconfirmed speculation suggests that a man seen being shoved to the floor and handcuffed by police may have been Charlie, you know, that one with the nose-ring that Ashley got off with at Tabitha's party, which would be just like, hey, this is crazy, right?
- Fugitive war criminal Radovan Karadzic is finally captured after spending the last fifteen years disguised as a stoned chinchilla;
- Gurning shitehawks Nickelback's fuck-awful dirge Rock Star debuts at number one in the charts after throngs of cloth-eared cockwits flock to the shops in their bovine thousands to burn actual money for a disc chock-full of honking aural bumwipe.
More Year In Review to follow...
*Joke copyright Harold Hutton Esq., 2008