Right, so where were we? Oh yes, trawling through another one of those God-awful end-of-the-year round-ups.
- Ireland firmly rejected the EU reform treaty, thus saving the nation from an invading horde of bloodthirsty killer abortionists and the rest of Europe from tyrannical rule by Eurocrat Nazi-Communists who want to abolish freedom itself, at least until next year's vote on the same treaty;
- Robert Mugabe's election slogan The Destruction Of Our Nation's Infrastructure In An Orgy Of Bloodcurdling Violence We Need proves surprisingly and suspiciously popular with the Zimbabwean electorate.
- Bhutan voted in its first-ever democratic election following the abdication of King Wangchuck, prompting mourning royalists to ask How Much Wang King Wangchuck Would Chuck, If King Wangchuck Could Chuck Wang*;
- In a well-thought-out gambit that was almost guaranteed to win the affection of the British people, hopalong harridan Heather Mills failed to convince a judge that much-loved entertainer Paul McCartney is an evil, abusive scumbag who wouldn't give her any money.
- Disgusting scenes at the UEFA Cup Final in Manchester, where a battallion of ultraviolent riot police attacked crowds of law-abiding Rangers fans by beating them on the feet and fists with their faces, ribs and testicles.
- Actor Wesley Snipes was sentenced to three years in jail for breaking out of a cryogenic prison and murdering twenty seven people, plus several counts of wanton vandalism and public affray with Kentucky-Fried-Chicken-faced Botox-horror Sylvester Stallone;
- Austria is stunned by police incompetence when it emerges that, in 1972, a teenaged Josef Fritzl was voted Pupil Most Likely To Imprison And Repeatedly Impregnate His Daughter by his fellow students in his high school yearbook.
- Corpse-fed former royal butler Paul Burrell stuns Britain by announcing that he "removed Princess Diana's ring from her body" after her death, stunning a nation that had previously been unaware of either his surgical skills or his gruesome sexual predilictions;
- The population of Tibet appears on British television show Who Wants To Be An Oppressed People Whose Struggle For Freedom Is An Inspiration To Us All; Despite high initial viewing figures and popular enthusiasm, the show is cancelled due to lack of interest.
- With one final show of force, Israel finally bombs the anti-semitism out of the Palestinians, who immediately cease all attacks and ask if they can get the Israelis a nice cup of tea.
- The BBC reports the threat that killer ladybirds pose to Scotland, despite the fact that I could take on ladybirds ten at a time and still win easily, regardless of how disgruntled they are;
- Germany recognises Kosovo but is seized by a sudden irrational fear that it might not actually be Kosovo, and actually just a country that looks a bit like it, so doesn't go over to say hello.
- The death of Bobby Fischer is mourned by the world of anti-semitic chess, and
- At his final State of the Union address, President George W. Bush is fondly bombarded with shoes.
Well, that's almost it for another year, as we look forward to another year of appalling natural disasters, financial catastrophes and terrorist outrages - a happy New Year to one and all, when it comes!
*Joke copyright commenter Herr Doktor Bimler, whose excellent bit of wordplay has earned him the privilege of being mercilessly plagiarised.