Tuesday, December 16, 2008

"Bilal Abdullah, you stand here accused of conspiracy to murder by detonating explosive devices in London and Glasgow. How do you plead?"

"Not guilty, your honour. The dead guy did it."

"Excuse me?"

"The dead guy, your worship, my friend Kafeel Ahmed... I thought we were just going for a nice drive from London to Glasgow through the night in a car full of petrol, gas tanks and nails."

"I see... So you mean to tell the court that there is an innocent explanation for your actions?"

"Absolutely, your holiness. See, my friend Kafeel was always keen on a bit of nocturnal welding and amateur carpentry and I was just trying to help him out."

"Right... And the voice recordings, and the small matter of you trying to light petrol bombs and fighting with the police while shouting your mad Jihadi slogans at the top of your voice?"

"All a misunderstanding, your grace. It was dark in that car, and I was lighting up to see... And I was just clearing my throat while I was trying to explain myself to those nice officers."

"And do you have anything else to say in your defence?"

"Only that I actually did want to set off the bombs, your majesty, but it was all just a big prank."

"Of course, a prank. Well, on this evidence, I have no option but to acquit you of all charges and declare you a free man."

"Really? Well, that's -"

"No, of course not 'really', shit-for-brains. This court finds you guilty as sin of being a crap terrorist and a thick twat to boot. Now, fuck off to prison for twenty five years* while we get on with laughing at your pitiful defence..."

...At least, that's how I imagine it went.

I always imagined that any crazed fanatic would leap at the chance to get his face on TV and expound his ludicrous reasoning before an audience - that's what Zacarias Moussaoui did at any rate.

Who would've thought that Britain, home of the world's most horrifying reality TV/celebrity culture, would throw up the world's most camera shy and modest terrorists?

n.b. Update 17/12 - Apologies - Clairoyance fail... 32 years-to-life.

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