Historic Poll Result As U.S. Elects Reasonable Human Being
Barack Obama Wins With Message of Hope, Change, Not Being a Total Asshole About Everything
All News Media, 5th November 2008
In what many see as a turning point for the country, Barack Obama has won the presidency of the United States, sweeping to power with broad support from both asshole and non-asshole Americans.
Transcending years of prejudice, division and a traditional tendency to elect the goofiest, nastiest motherfucker on the ballot to the nation's highest office, the American people yesterday voted decisively for their first non-asshole president in living memory.
There were emotional scenes as Americans watched the historic result, with many expressing joy, astonishment and strong hopes for a brighter, marginally less offensive future.
"I never thought I'd see this day," said Marjorie Woncklespanck, a 62-year-old Virginian who has lived through decades of unbelievable presidential vindictiveness, small-minded, bigoted stupidity and plain old mean-spirited evil.
"All my life, every President has been a complete jerk... Whether he was crushing labour unions, launching pointless, jingoistic military bloodbaths or just whipping up fear and hatred of foreigners, homos, blacks and commies, I just accepted the fact that I'd never live to see an intelligent, reasonable human being in the White House."
"It gladdens my heart to think we have a president who might be able to restrain himself from sticking his dick into his secretary's ear within five minutes of taking office."
The result is being hailed as a victory for decency and common sense, as the electorate delivered a devastating rejection of the Republican candidates, who ran on a political platform of being the dumbest, meanest, ugliest assholes imaginable.
Republican nominee John McCain, an asshole of epic proportions, used his concession speech to apologise to a crowd of his pigshit-thick, wildly aggressive, yahoo supporters for failing to swing the American people behind his My Opponent Is a Traitor, a Commie And Probably a Faggot To Boot campaign message.
"My fellow asshole Americans, I did everything in my power to demonstrate to the people of this country that I was the belligerent, ignorant, flag-waving knucklehead that this country needed... I fell short in that effort. I congratulate my opponent Barack Obama - " (Loud boos, screams, gunshots) "- on winning the White House. I have every confidence that he will be a good and effective president -" (Grunts, howls, sound of gallows being hastily erected) "- and will now focus on finding new and inventive ways to tell newspaper reporters that he is a commie terrorist who lusts for the blood of Christian children."
President Elect Barack Obama now faces difficult challenges on the economy and foreign policy. Insiders are counselling caution as the incoming president will have to make a number of unpopular decisions, but his supporters are confident that he will tackle the issues without being a total cunt about it.