What a depressing couple of weeks it's been - financial carnage everywhere, as young and old alike watch dumbstruck in the red glow of their burning finances.
Seriously, I'm sitting on the windowledge while I type this.
Yet today brings us an honest-to-God miracle in the shape of Karl Merk, the German double amputee who has been the first subject of a successful double arm transplant.
In such times, it's wonderful and uplifting to see this inspiring tale of triumph over adversity and the ingenuity of man. I can scarcely imagine what it must be like for Mr. Merk, who has lived without arms for six years. Basic actions that we perform unconciously and take for granted such as turning on a light switch, boiling a kettle or having a quick one off the wrist must've been impossible, insurmountable challenges for him.
I mean, think about it - he must have bollocks like baseballs after six years without arms.
What a testament to man's triumph over the limitations of mere nature. I'm in awe of this act of defiance in the face of our precarious inheritance... this proclaimation that we will not be defeated by simple misfortune or denied the chance to make the beast with one back every now and then.
That's not to say that this wondrous procedure does not raise serious moral questions. There are ethical issues around the use of donated organs and human dignity, not least the fact that Mr. Merk is probably engaged at this very moment in a menage a une using another man's wank-spanner, which sounds a bit gay if you ask me.
In fact, I imagine that knocking one out with a dead man's hand might feel a bit like someone else was doing it, although this could be easily circumvented if Mr. Merk sat on his new hand for a bit, until it went numb - then it would probably feel like somebody else was doing it with another dead man's hand.
Unless of course, he sat on his meat and two veg at the same time, in which case it would feel like somebody else was whacking off somebody else with somebody else's dead man's hand, or something.
Either way, the implications for medical science and hand-to-gland combat are almost limitless. This is a great day in human history, friends.